Confirmation-We have done a few things right so far!

My eldest daughter had Kindergarten Screening this morning, and, for some reason, I was nervous.  I had visions of us going in with high hopes and seeing them asking her to point to her nose as she pointed to her toes or stack the red, yellow and green blocks and she would throw them at the teacher's head or something.  I was hoping that these things wouldn't happen, but, hey, you never know!
Now these are not the usual behaviors for my daughter.  There is absolutely no reason that I should be afraid that she wouldn't pass the screening.  She has attended pre-school for the past two years and has always passed her developmental milestones early or right on time.  I don't know why I was so nervous about this screening but the good news is that she was within normal ranges for all of the screening areas and she passed! 
Now the hard part begins.  Now I know that I have to start making preparations to let her go for the first time.  Now I have to begin to prepare myself for Kindergarten and have to be willing to let her turn into a school age child. 
I know that some of this will happen naturally, but I have to work on a few things so that she won't be scared to go to Kindergarten.  Here they are:

1. I have to stop crying every time I think of her going to school every day, all day long.
2. I have to face the reality that it is going to happen.  Not only is it going to happen, but once it does, I'm going to love it!
3. I have to stop saying "I can't talk about it" whenever someone asks me about her new journey into Elementary school.
4. I must find something for Maya to do when Olivia is at school.  As it is now, when ever she can't find her older sister, she wanders around the house looking in every nook and cranny and whining her approximation of Olivia.  She is going to be b-o-r-e-d, I fear.

So, what exactly does this all mean?  I need to embrace this change, mostly because it is inevitable but partially because it is a positive and important change for all of us.  We are also proud that somewhere along the way, Olivia has managed to acquire enough knowledge to pass a basic Kindergarten Screening test and that we have, in fact, actually taught her enough to give her a strong start.  I'm very proud of Olivia and excited to see what Elementary School has in store for us.
To Kindergarten, and Beyond!

Some thoughts for Mothers Day

I love my children.  I love the way my eldest daughter laughs when you tickle her stomach, the way she insists on "scripted" play, the way she is creative and imaginative and funny.  I love my youngest daughter and the wonder and joy she shows when she looks through tupperware lids or bends down and looks at me upside down through her legs. 
I know that everyone says it, but I have to say it again.  I did not realize how being a mother would completely change my life.  I never thought that a hug or a kiss or a simple "I love you" could change the course of my day.  I love holding their little hands, watching them learn to write or read, and even teaching them to say words like "poopy"   (Maya's new favorite-we're potty training).

Sometimes I have to take time to think about these small miracles because being a mom can be very overwhelming.  Being a mom is the ultimate immersion experience.  It is really the only thing in your life that you think you are prepared for but suddenly, all of your preconcieved notions of what this experience will be like for you were way off base.  Something as simple as giving your baby that first bath can become a completely terrifying thing for you.  It was for me. 
Before the birth of my first child, I imagined her birth story to be like something from a fairy tale.  I would go into labor, she would come flying out into the world with a rainbow and doves and a smile on her face and a coy little chuckle.  I thought that the doctor would hand her to me and I would have that infusion of motherly wisdom and love that all mothers have. 
Instead, I had a c-section because she was frank breech (which means she came out butt first-mooning the world) and when the doctor held her up for me to see I thought, "Oh, she's so beautiful...Oh shit...I have to take that home with me now!  This is REAL!"  It was real.  It was the beginning of the most intense love that anyone can ever feel.  It was hard, too.  It still is hard.  However, even my worst days as a mom are better than my best days before my children.  And no, I never got the motherly wisdom infusion.  That happens over time as a result of experience, that's my guess.
After Olivia was born, the nurse came in to discharge me and asked me if I had any questions.  I practically screamed at her "I don't know how to give her a bath!  What do I do about that umbilical cord thing?   What do I do if she won't nurse at home?" and in my head I was thinking "How am I supposed to teach her right from wrong and how to be a good person?  What am I supposed to tell her about God and Religion when I don't even know what I believe?  What if she doesn't like broccoli or turns out to be a sociopath?"  The nurse kindly helped me bathe my baby and reassured me that we could do this.  My mom and my friends had to do the same thing over the next few weeks. 

Luckily, it's been almost 5 years now since that day, and Olivia is starting Kindergarten in September.  I still wrestle with those questions.  We try to show Olivia that actions have consequenses, both good and bad, and that she has an effect on the world.  We encourage her to think critically and to relax and have fun.  We try to be good examples of patience and kindness and are not afraid to admit to our mistakes.  Hopefully,  when she really needs them, these qualities will be easy to draw on.

Having a second child was different than the first in many ways.  I found it harder to allow myself to bond with Maya in some ways because I was afraid that I would lose my bond with Olivia.  I think that I also thought that I wasn't bonding as well because I wasn't as terrified that I was going to accidentally kill Maya.  (When Olivia was an infant I was continually poking her when she was sleeping to make sure she was really still alive.  I was very paranoid!  I think I only did that once to Maya.)  I had a better idea of the resilience of babies and knew what I was capable of.  I was more relaxed and have really been able to enjoy her baby-hood.  I think that this shows up in her personality, too, as she is more of a risk taker than Olivia was at that age, and she is more of a tester, too.  She is a really delightful toddler and has a smile that could melt a glacier.

I'm not sure how to end this post, but I think I'll finish by saying that motherhood has challenged me and is continuing to help me to grow and become the person that I have wanted to be.