Swearing

I have a sailor's mouth.  I am absolutely serious.  I have a horrible yet fully satisfying relationship with swear words.

Come on, who wouldn't want to be this guy?

I'll never remember the feeling of walking around with my second grade friends, having one of them "teach" us how to swear on the playground, during recess, at school (shout out to Hamlin Elementary!) Now, I am not sure how we got away with that.  I will say that it was the 80's and the point of recess was to let us run wild, twice a day, no less, for 15 minutes with little to no supervision...and we liked it that way!  My point is, I learned to swear at school, and I studied that shit like a motherfucking ninja.

Unfortunately, this was my idea of a Ninja at the time.

The first time that all of those hours of studying came in handy in my early life was about a year later, in the winter, when I was in 3rd grade.  I was being tortured by two boys in my class, who would wait for me by the side of the road on my walk home, and pelt me with ice and snow balls.  This happened day after day, until I snapped.  

I loaded up my backpack with every single textbook I had in my desk.  I walked home, unassumingly, playing Paula Abdul in my Walkman, and I let them pelt me with ice balls. 

Then, the revenge came.  I calmly took off my backpack, and attacked them with it, bludgeoning them mercilessly.  One of the boys ran off,presumably embarrassed that he had been outsmarted by a girl, and then there was only one left.  I took down that second boy with a quick backpack to the head, followed by my hysterical scream "You're a little BITCH!"  Then I laughed maniacally, left him in the snow bank and walked home.

Later, that night, my mom got a call from his mom, where she had to sit through his mother complaining about my foul language, and how I had attacked her son.  After I explained the situation to her, she told me that she supported my backpack revenge, but that the swearing was inappropriate.  I had to apologize.  

I am SO FUCKING SORRY you're a little Bitch.

 To this day, that was one of my more triumphant moments because I actually stood up to a bully.  And, because it's a fucking badass story.   And that, my friends, is why swearing is awesome.