I gave in...

I gave in to the Elf On A Shelf phenomenon.  I know, I'm not sure what I was thinking, either!  Perhaps it was because the little bastard was on sale, for over 1/2 off with free shipping. (Oh, that got you, too?  It was at Barnesandnoble.com), or maybe it was because it seems like everyone else has those stupid little elves and my kids are feeing left out because I'm too lazy, or maybe it's just because that thing is just so damn creepy and cute at the same time and that makes me feel weird inside. 
Seriously, look at that thing.  How can something so evil looking make me want to tickle it's little tummy and kiss it's forehead?  What is wrong with me?
So, if you look around the mommy blogs and especially Pinterest you'll see thousands of pictures of these evil looking little troublemakers perched around kitchens and living rooms.  Our elf will not make messes. Our elf will probably be interesting for a few weeks then will be forgotten about until next year when I try, in vain, to create some goddamn holiday memories with my children by trying to convince them that an inanimate object that spies on them all day, comes to life at night, parties in our living room, journeys to the North Pole and back to tell an elderly creeper if they are nice or naughty so that he will break into our house and bring them presents in a couple of weeks...  Good Lord, what have I done? 
(If you don't hear from me before Christmas, it means the children and the Elf have joined forces.   Send help!)

Calm Your Crazy Asses Down, Conservatives!

So, the election is over and Barack Obama won. That is the truth. Please relax.  I've been there!  Did you know that I cried on election night the first time the George W. Bush won?  I did!  I proclaimed the end of the world that night.  I was wrong.  I think is a shittier world because he was president, but it did not end.

So, as I have been through the 5 stages of election grief myself, I wanted to offer you some compassion but I can't because you are driving me FUCKING CRAZY.  You are out of control with your ranting and raving.  You are posting shit all over Facebook that is making you look like a lunatic (actually, keep that up, it makes me laugh)

Here's the thing.  We (I am lumping in all of the people who didn't vote for Bush either time) didn't like your guy.  We thought he was a bad guy.  We may have said some mean things about him and some of us got a little crazy, but it seems like you (this is all of you) are taking things a little too far.  Here are the facts:
He is not a socialist.  He is a moderate.  A MODERATE!  What is your problem with moderation?  The definition of the word moderate is: 

mod·er·ate

[mod-er-it, mod-rit; mod-uh-reyt] Show IPA adjective, noun, verb, mod·er·at·ed, mod·er·at·ing.

adjective

1.

kept or keeping within reasonable or proper limits; not extreme, excessive, or intense: a moderate price.

2.

of medium quantity, extent, or amount: a moderate income.

3.

mediocre or fair: moderate talent.

4.

calm or mild, as of the weather.

5.

of or pertaining to moderates, as in politics or religion.

These are reasons why you should tone your crazy ass down:
He has expanded on the Patriot Act, he didn't close Gitmo.  He has been a friend to the banks, has basically brought RomneyCare (He was your nominee, remember?) to the national stage (Compare the two here.  Those are things that make me sad, mad and generally not happy.  However, he has out Bush'd Bush!  That should make you very, very happy!

Here are the reasons why we like him:
He has finally spoken out and is willing to fight for some of the things that effect all of us (a woman's right to choose, the right to health insurance for all, equal pay, equal rights, and more!  Those all seem like very reasonable things to me, but, then again, I am a crazy crazy liberal.

So I'll end with a prediction of what the next four years are going to be like.  Just like the last 12, but hopefully with a little more social justice.  You will deal with it.  We dealt with Bush.  Just relax.

Five Stages of Election Grief

Yeah, I'm behind by a few weeks, but I think it's time that everyone sits down, has a glass of wine and becomes friends again.  It's time to let the healing begin.  Let me guide you through the Five Stages of Election Grief.

Sorry, can't help it.  I'm kind of a jerk.

Stage 1:  Disbelief.  You know that the liberal/conservative/media in general called the election too early.  The results aren't valid!  Tomorrow you'll wake up to news stories saying that everything was wrong last night and everything will be fine.

Stage 2:  Horrible, horrible, heartwrenching sadness.  Everything you ever wanted is gone now.  Life is over.  Your future is a horrible, dark, nightmarish hellscape of socialism and gayness everywhere.  Just everywhere. 

Stage 3:  Acceptance/pity for the poor bastards, those poor stupid bastards who voted for the wrong guy even though it was against their best interests.  Don't worry, we thought the same thing about you in 2000 and 2004.  We even thought it about you this time.  I know, we'll agree to disagree.

Stage 4:  Furious VENGEANCE and ANGER!  You just want to FIGHT all of the stupid bastards that you just took 30 seconds to feel sorry for.  You hate them.  You hate their guts.  You want to post all over Facebook about how stupid they are with smug things to make them feel bad.  Spoiler alert-these things make you look crazy but they sure are entertaining to everyone else. 

Stage 5:  I don't know...I never made it past Stage 3 but from the news I guess its secession?  I don't know.  I think Stage Five should just be Get the Fuck Over It.  

We good? Let's move on.