A Note From Your Resident Fatty

Hi, I'm fat.  I am, and that's okay.  Now here's what you shouldn't do when you read that:



via GIPHY

I mean, thanks Padalecki, I am but don't do that.  That doesn't help anyone feel better but you, for real.
Here is the truth.  I'm a person, I'm fat right now.  Sometimes in my life I've been skinny.  Sometimes in my life I've been in the middle.  Right now I'm fat.
When I was skinny I wasn't a better person.  In fact, I might have been a sad person because I could only think about what I would eat on my cheat day.  Sometimes I felt great, when I acheived goals that I had never been able to do  before (like running my first 5K, for instance, but I wasn't skinny then-I was in-between) and when I learned how much I liked lifting weights.  Those were all important things to me.
Sometimes I'm more active than others.  Sometimes I work out more than other times.  Sometimes I lose weight, sometimes I gain weight, sometimes I love my body and sometimes I hate my body.  I have hated my body when i was skinny and I have hated my body when I was fat.  I have loved my body when I was skinny and when I was fat.  I've had eating disorders (like convincing myself that my food was growing mold on it and I couldn't eat any more when I was in high school- I didn't realize how messed up that was until years later when I read about a character with a severe eating disorder doing the same thing)  I've done extreme exercise programs and eat completely clean.  I've done extreme diets (the Whole 30 anyone?)  I've binged on chips (yum) and pizza (yum) and beer (yum) and wine (yum).  I've done it all.
So:  What are you thinking right now?   Do you feel sorry for me that I can't get it together?  Well, don't worry about it.  I don't feel bad for me at all.  I feel great.  Here's what I've realized:  Even if I lose weight I will always be a fat person.  I love bad food.  I love being sedentary.  I also love working out -right now I'm working out more than I have in a while, but not because I hate myself.  Now it's because I love this body and love seeing what I can do.  I also have more time, older kids, I work outside the home, and I really want to spend an hour a day doing something for myself.  However, this doesn't mean that I don't sometimes feel bad (don't we all?) or mad that I can't do something (don't we all?)
This also means that I have been thinking about how to describe my body to my daughters.  They are 7 and 11 and are starting to get body aware.  Should I say I'm fat?  Should I say I want to work out in front of them?  How do I keep them from getting into that "Fat is bad" mindset?  I want them to be healthy, but I don't want them to hate what their body does.  So, here's what I've stopped doing.  I tell them when I have frustrations with my body.  If I can't do something or I don't fit in something or really any situation.  I just don't assign a judgement to it.  Saying I'm fat isn't a judgement on me, as long as I don't mean it in a derogatory way.  It's no different than saying I have blue eyes or big boobs (which, honestly, the boobs are more of a problem than a fat butt most of the time).  I explain that we all have challenges, and that's it.
Here's what you shouldn't do for your fat friend/family member/co-worker:

1. Tell them that they're fat (you probably wouldn't use that word, but you know how you'd say it).  I guarantee you they already know.  It's impossible for them to not know that they're fat because they watch TV, look at magazines, and just generally are self aware.  
2. Think that you need to "save" them.  Fat people are not rescue animals.  Do you have something that you don't like about yourself (or something that you're just sick of hearing about from well-meaning people?)  Well, imagine if your family or friends constantly were trying to fix you.  If they say they want to do something or want your help, offer it.  See point #1.  They know they're fat. 
3. Tell them they should stay away from certain clothes because of their body type.  Honestly, do I need to say it again?  See #1.  Your loved one or family member is really trying their best to find flattering clothes, just like you do.  I guarantee whatever criticism you have for them they have already thought at some point in their life.
4. Don't be offended for them if they point out in a matter of fact way that they are fat and it's okay.  It really is.  Health and fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.
 

Here's what you should do: love them.  Love yourself.   Eat a salad, eat a damn piece of pizza, lift weights, (by the way-because of my big booty I am a BEAST when it comes to leg presses).  Celebrate your friend or loved one because they are a great person.  You don't love them in spite of their butt size, you love them because they add value to your life. Most of all, don't be afraid to say the word "fat."  Fat is not a bad word.  Let's not have another generation of girls be afraid of that word or their body shape or big muscles or doing math.  Let's just be. 

Watching 50 Shades of Grey....Gray? Here are 80 thoughts I had while watching.

It doesn't really matter.
I've had a few glasses of wine and now have decided to watch 50 Shades of Grey...Gray...shit.  I should probably know that.
Here are my thoughts.
1.  Ha!  Anastasia Steele just bit her lip!  Is Dakota Johnson trying to make this a Twilight parody already?  Is that an homage to Kristin Stewart's excellent lip biting skills?
2.  What's my Google password?  I want to write a blog entry...or live tweet...but I haven't written a blog entry in a long time so I'll do that but I can't remember my password...there...changed it.  Hope I can remember it tomorrow!
3.  Oh look, everyone who works at Grey (Gray?) House is dressed in...you guessed it...GRAY.  Fucking fantastic.  I get it.  Grey.Gray. I don't know if I can make it through this movie.
4.  OOps...Anastasia fell into his office.  I get it.  She didn't do anything really embarrassing, though.  She should have farted really loud when she fell...or started crying...then a snot bubble...not that anything like that has ever happened to me.
5.Oh I exercise Control in all things Miss Steele...uh...okay...
6.  Is Christian Grey supposed to be Donald Trump?
7.  If a guy tells you he "enjoys various physical pursuits" when you ask what he does for fun he definitely hunts people for sport.
8.Oh, now he walked around the desk and asked her if she has an actual question!
9.  Are you GAY?  ARE YOU KIDDING?
10.  Oh, hot blonde assistant just interrupted...now he has made it known that he wants more Steele and wants to know about her literary preferences?  Whew!  HAWT!
11.  Now he offered her an internship!  But she says she's not hot enough...and asked her if she got everything she needed...
12.  LOL she walks outside in the rain and instantly gets DRENCHED and is breathless...not a lot of mystery as to what is going on there.
13.  She describes him as "clean" to her room mate.  Weird.  Roommate knows Anastasia wants to bone Christian.
14.  27 years old!  WTF!  No way.
15.  Ooh, she's rubbing the Grey pencil on her lips!!!!
16.  WTF the guy who plays not-Jacob (art show guy-Jose) has a receeding hairline and looks at least 15 years older than her.
17.  She works in a hardware store...and Christian Grey appears.  oh, of course he wants cable ties, rope and tape.  probably a shovel and tarp.  Girls love shady billionaires and love making jokes about being a serial killer.
18.  This is a creepy interaction.  She recommends coveralls to protect his clothes...and he suggests not wearing clothes.  If someone said that to me at work I would barf all over them.
19.  Oh, it's a photo shoot and the gangs all here!  He keeps staring at her!   Wants to take her for coffee!  Definitely doesn't want to skin her and wear her skin like a suit!
20.  Why am I watching this?  It's horrible.
21.  I fucking hate this guy "I'm used to getting my own way."  Fuck you, asshat.
22.  Oh, Anastasia considers herself a romantic.  I guess that means that romantics like creepy assholes who want to wear their skin.
23.  "I'm not the man for you"  Oh, yeah, you're right.  You're a creep.  KBye.
24.  WOWWWWEEEEE First edition books from you're creepy coffee date who you just helped pick out MURDER TOOLS!  WTF is wrong with you, Anastasia?
25.  Waiting in line for the ladies room is the worst.  How old is her crappy ass phone?  He has an IPhone and she has a StarTac?  She's drunk dialing him...he's asking weird about her drinking.  But he's drinking wine...DUDE YOU WENT OUT FOR COFFEE.  She is not your girlfriend.  He traced her call?  This should really be a horror movie!  This is terrifying!
26.  Lol.  Jose tried to kiss her.  She said no.  She should have said "No way, Jose."  I would have.
27.  Oh, look!  She spent the night in his apartment and didn't wake up tied to a post with knives shoved in her body.
28.  "Necrophilia's not my thing" when she asks if he raped her unconscious body.
29.  "If you were mine you  wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" then he bites her toast.  You never bite my toast and certainly never threaten butt pain but definitely don't take my food.
30.  "My tastes are very singular"  "Enlighten me, then" reminds me of a conversation I had about cheesecake once.
31.  "I'm not going to touch you-not until I have your written consent" Um....what?
32.  "Fuck the paperwork" I hear you, Christian, I hate paperwork, too.
33.  "Laters, baby?"  What is that?  She is an ENGLISH major!  How could she let that go?
34.  Meanwhile, back at the hardware store... she gets picked up by the way hunkier chauffeur who hasn't threatened to bite her or make her butt hurt or eaten her toast.
35.  Now we're in a helicopter.  Oh yeah, move that joystick, Christian...
36.  Now we're in his penthouse apartment. ...Aaaaand he's making her sign a non-disclosure agreement...totally normal for a first date.
37.  He doesn't make love.  You know what he does.  He fucks.
38.  His playroom.
39.  He has a really nice couch in there, though.
40.  Every good romance really starts with stringent contract negotiations.
41.  Oh fuck...she's still a virgin.  Did he really just ask her if she's done "other things?"
42.  uh...so now they're having sex because he wants her first experience to not be with whips?  I'm still creeped out by this whole thing.  He's playing the piano now!  Now they're going to hump again.
43.  Now it's morning and she's wearing his shirt, a messy bun and making pancakes.  k.
44.Oh jesus.  Mom's name is Grace Grey?  This is infuriating.
45.  ANASTASIA YOUR ROOM HAS A MURAL WITH  A BIRD IN A CAGE!  GET A CLUE!
46.  "Be my submissive I will be devoted to you." Oh, okay.  Totally a normal convo.
47.  He pulls off onto a deserted road "Let's go for a walk" um...NO.
48.    NO MORE WITH THE LATERS BABY!
49.  The roommate can smell the sex on her.  Girls can do that.
50.  They're DM-ing.  Do you think they're Facebook friends?
51.  Are we really going to read a contract now?  Here's the rundown:
        We fuck when and where I want.
         You eat and exercise when I think it's okay.
          I will tell you who you can hang around and what you do with them
          I will choose your safeword because you are an idiot who can't think of anything.
52.  Don't mess around with Christian Grey and threaten to break up with him because he'll do somethig super romantic like break into your apartment, tie you up and have sex with you.  Then he'll drink white wine while you lay aroud cold, naked and blindfolded.  And put ice in your belly button because that's a thing, I guess.
53.  Contract negotiations get plucky, quirky music.  So, Anastasia is ok with lots of things but fisting ain't one!  No genital clamps, either.  Oh and now he's going to take her on a date once a week!  Add it into appendix five!
54.  "Why do I think you're telling me goodbye"  "Because I'm leaving"  oh....the dialog is so painful.  PAINFUL!!!!!
55.  This movie makes me feel like I want to bash my brains in with a hammer.  WHY CAN'T I STOP????
56.  I don't like this punishing thing.  oh, not that he's spanked her for rolling her eyes he's just going to leave and go back to work?
57.  Mom calls and they have a not-talk (that's when you pretend nothing's wrong and you are not being kept by a crazy weirdo while your mom chugs wine)
58.I want to take you to my playroom.  Creepy sentence coming from a clearly at least 35 year old but pretending to be 27 year old man.
59.  OH HE IS AN UDERWEAR SNIFFER!!!!!  Are there any female underwear sniffers out there?  Who would want to sniff dude drawers?  I honestly can't think of one guy that makes me want to sniff his undies.
60.  Now they're at dinner at his parents house and he's furious that she's friends with good old "No Way, Jose" and is going to visit her mother.  He is bad news.  This is like a really racy afterschool special about abusive relationships.
61.  "Let me touch you!" she says.  Ugggghhhhhhhh......
62.  Oh, now it all makes sense...he's an asshole because he had a rough start in life.  Mommy was a crack addict and a prostitute.  Throw in webbed feet and he's doctor evil!
63.  Thank God there's only 28 minutes left in this movie...but who's counting?
64.  Mom and stepdad look surprisingly young.  Now Anastasia's listening to her mom get porked in the other room.  Wholesome family fun for everyone.
65.  Anastasia's getting drunk with her mom at a bar and Christian shows up.
66.  Now it's the next day and they're getting in a weird plane...glider, I guess...He just introduced Anastasia as his girlfriend.
67.  Surprise!  Now he's being an asshole again!  Nobody is surprised at all.
68.  For someone who's not supposed to drink she sure drinks a lot.
69.  She's home.  he's yelling into the phone like a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON.  Now get to the playroom.....STAT!
70.  Oh God is it over yet?  No?  Still 20 minutes?  I should have picked out a safe word before I starting this shit show.
71.  Maybe the 20 minutes remaining includes the credits.
72.  What does Escala mean?  That is the title of his building.  Scale?  Does he have psoriasis?
73.  Why does he play the piano after sex/beating sessions?  Why does she want to talk to him?
74.  You know what this movie needs?   The doorbell needs to ring and the singing telegram girl from Clue needs to be singing her little ditty.  That would break up the monotony of this sad, sad situation.
75.  Now we're back in the playroom and he's really just being a dick about this whole bondage thing.  76.  Now she's mad.  Her butt hurts.  She's crying.  It's a dark and stormy night....
77.  Now he's apologizing.  Blah blah blah I'm so damaged, We love each other, we're so wrong for each other.
78.  I guess they're breaking up because she doesn't like being beaten within an inch of her life.
79.  She totally has Stockholm syndrome and is completely obsessed with this horrible guy.  No one can move on but she's definitely doing a better job.  He's a wreck.
80.  It's over!  IT'S OVER!!!!  I MADE IT!

Here's the takeaway points:  50 Shades of Grey is a study of what you would let a hot billionaire do to you.  Basically, how much spanking would you let happen if you could ride First Class and get a free car?
       

Becoming

Somewhere along the way, I have become a mother.  I don't mean on the day my first daughter was born when it seemed so weird to say "that's my daughter," or the time that I fumbled through teaching her to walk or even when I introduced her to her younger sister-because I don't think that it happened in one moment.

I think it was a million little failures, fears and maybe 100 successes.  I think that I knew that I was their mother, but I didn't understand that, at the core of my being, I AM a mother.  I think that living in the neverending, messy confusion of early motherhood and waiting for something to happen, something to change, I didn't feel the subtle and important changes happening in my core.

When my eldest daughter was born she was beautiful and disgusting-all covered in goo and blood and screaming.  I looked at her and marveled at her perfection and immediately thought "Oh shit, I have to take her home."  I was completely terrified and projectile vomited all over my hospital room after eating two purple popsicles and didn't sleep again for 3 years and still I craved her snuggles, smiles, words, and laughter.  Somewhere, I started to feel that mother-ness...

Maybe it was when my youngest was born and I felt like my heart was going to explode with joy when I saw my two beautiful girls together.  Maybe it was teaching my littlest and last baby the same things I had taught my eldest, and having her happily help her sister.  Maybe it was just a culmination of experiences, laughter, tears and exhaustion that finally makes me feel that I am more than just me.
Motherhood is transcendent.  It is really realizing that you are not who you were before.  You can never be that person again.   You can't be that person who didn't understand how your mom could have been soooooo mean to you that time.  Oh, you understand.  Mom, I totally get it.  Even more than that, you know why she came to everything for you-all of your concerts, games, so many sports things sitting on those horrible bleachers, and she was the ultimate fan of whatever you were doing at the time.  That is being a mother.

Being a mother is knowing that you can never, ever be the same person you were before your children were born, because they have helped you grow into something that is more complicated, more beautiful, better than before.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point I became not just me, but a mother, and it is terrifying and wonderful and frustrating and every other adjective you could think of.
But I wouldn't change a second of it.

A Whole New World...

My youngest daughter started Kindergarten last month.  This is the child who has asked to go to school every day since she could talk.  This is the child who has watched her sister go to pre-school and school from the very minute she left the hospital.  She is joyful, bright, funny, infuriating, short tempered, the best hugger and a great little pal to spend your days with.
So...now she's been getting ready to go to school.  She has been spending days on end talking about what she wants to learn, who she wants her teacher to be, how many friends she's going to make,  and so much more.
My experience with her has been a totally different experience than with my eldest daughter.  My eldest was nervous about school, we had no idea what to expect, and while she was excited to go, we both were very emotional and felt very unprepared.  Her school experience, from Kindergarten through 2nd grade, was in a different school district and was full of teary days and nights, lots of unfinished work, bus ride bribery, and calls home from the school  Last year we homeschooled (that's another story) and this year, for 4th grade, after a move to a new district, school, etc., she loves her school.
My youngest, though, started school and is so HAPPY to be there.  She can't wait to get to school.  She  is finally able to experience these magical things she's watched her sister do (buying school lunch, taking notes to the teacher, doing homework (not really-she's mad about that) and going to the school library.  It is such a relief knowing that I can leave them in a supportive environment where they are actually learning and being taken care of.
You know what's even nicer?  BEING ALONE.   Let that sink in for a minute.  Stay at home moms, you know what I'm talking about.  That dream that you have had for at least 5 years ( It's been 9 years for me) has finally come true.  I can now clean up after lunch and there are not instantly dishes in the sink.  I can now sit down without being asked to get someone food.  I can vacuum and not have to pick up little shitty toys all over the floor because someone decided they can't wait to get out their Monster High dolls and rip all of the clothing and limbs off and then go get out their legos then run away, with it all still on the floor, and play on the swings.
Here's another benefit:  my hubby works second shift-so we actually have most of the day together, without children.  We can go out to lunch or coffee or watch an episode of Breaking Bad in the middle of the day or he can actually take a nap before work, be rested up, and I can go have coffee with my friends.  Yes!  Here's the most amazing part of this-we still like each other!  (That's also another story).

So, while I have really really enjoyed and been driven completely insane by my two girls, being with them day to day, watching them grow and learn and fight and start to discover who they are, has been chaotic, fun, and a true blessing.  I wouldn't wish it away or trade it for anything.  However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy the shit out of this time- and my newly re-discovered FREEDOM.

The Absolute Best...Most Comforting...Cheesiest Mac and Cheese in the World.

Yes, I have discovered it!  This is the best Mac and Cheese recipe in the world-and it is EASY!  So, I started looking for a Mac and Cheese recipe that I could do in my crock pot, and found this delicious recipe.  But, as I was getting started I thought...hmmm....something is clearly missing.  Can you guess what it was? Yup.  Bacon.
I went to my fridge and pulled out my bag of Wright Brand Bacon (honestly the best bacon in the world) and made this amazing mac and cheese.

Cheesy Bacon-y Mac and Cheese in the Crock Pot
1 Box of Pasta (I used Rotini because I live dangerously)
12 oz can of evaporated milk
1 1/2 cups of milk
2 beaten eggs
4 cups of shredded cheese
BACON!!!!!


Spray down your crock pot with Pam or some similar spray.  Layer your bacon in the bottom of your crock pot (I used 5 pieces). Add a small layer of shredded cheese. Add in 1/2 of the pasta.  Add another small layer of cheese.  Add the rest of the pasta.
In a bowl, beat together your eggs and add the evaporated milk, regular milk, mix together and then pour over the pasta.  Add the rest of the cheese.  Do you see where this is going?  Add a few more strips of bacon over the top of the cheese.  Why the Hell not?  If you want your bacon on the top crispy, I would recommend cooking it first.  I also added some bread crumbs to give it a breaded top.
Cook on High for 2 hrs., then low for another hour or so to make sure the bacon on the bottom is fully cooked.  Make sure you reward yourself for such a good job done with a nice tall glass of boxed wine.

YUM!

 

This recipe is so amazing-my family LOVED it!  The pasta was delicious, the sauce was so amazing and the bacon gave every bite a little bacony goodness.  This is a great meal for a cold day, when you just need your food to go "thud."  Comfort food at it's best.  It's also a great meal for any other day because, you know, bacon.

The Truth about The Elf

Here's the truth about the Elf on the Shelf.  After a few weeks of nightly Elf moving, I have to say, I LOVE this tradition.  My kids love the elf.  I love watching them find her every morning.  Every day, they give me a full report of exactly how they think she got to the spots she's in.  Every day they get to experience a little more magic. We will keep the elf.
However, our elf has not done the following:  made messes, drawn on pictures, or done anything else that my decidedly free spirited and very naughty youngest would see and think "Great idea!"  She has been involved in a 3-way with a dirty Koala and St. Nick, (It was a brief tryst and the children didn't see the debauchery), she has been caught scaling the christmas lights by the pass-through, she's visited many parts of the house but she still creeps me out!  I'm not sure if I'll ever get over this, but one thing is for sure:  the Elf is staying and will be back again next Christmas-maybe with a friend.  What has happened to me? 

I gave in...

I gave in to the Elf On A Shelf phenomenon.  I know, I'm not sure what I was thinking, either!  Perhaps it was because the little bastard was on sale, for over 1/2 off with free shipping. (Oh, that got you, too?  It was at Barnesandnoble.com), or maybe it was because it seems like everyone else has those stupid little elves and my kids are feeing left out because I'm too lazy, or maybe it's just because that thing is just so damn creepy and cute at the same time and that makes me feel weird inside. 
Seriously, look at that thing.  How can something so evil looking make me want to tickle it's little tummy and kiss it's forehead?  What is wrong with me?
So, if you look around the mommy blogs and especially Pinterest you'll see thousands of pictures of these evil looking little troublemakers perched around kitchens and living rooms.  Our elf will not make messes. Our elf will probably be interesting for a few weeks then will be forgotten about until next year when I try, in vain, to create some goddamn holiday memories with my children by trying to convince them that an inanimate object that spies on them all day, comes to life at night, parties in our living room, journeys to the North Pole and back to tell an elderly creeper if they are nice or naughty so that he will break into our house and bring them presents in a couple of weeks...  Good Lord, what have I done? 
(If you don't hear from me before Christmas, it means the children and the Elf have joined forces.   Send help!)