How the Garbage Man Saved My Marriage...

Yes, that is a very dramatic title, isn't it?  Now, before you get all hot and bothered (mom) worrying about the state of my marriage, here's the truth...I may have overstated the issue a bit.  I'm going to lay it all out for you, though, and I think you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Here is my theory about why people get divorced:  teeny tiny little problems (like who should take the trash to the dump or do the dishes after dinner) turn into bigger problems (like hating each other), then the biggest problems (cheating, etc) turn into D-I-V-O-R-C-E.  Yeah, I know what you're saying.  Many marriages are shams, many wives are bitches and/or nags, many husbands are just douchebags and/or clueless, every rose has it's thorn...blah, blah, blah.  Those aren't the type of marriages I'm talking about.  I'm talking about everyone else.  Your friends, in-laws, boss, whoever.  The type of people who, when they announce they are getting a divorce, cause shocked silence, weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Their announcement causes everyone who hears about it to say "I never saw that coming."  These marriages die a slow death of resentment, silence and fights about trash or dishes but really about so much more.  Let's be honest, when you fight about something with your spouse, is it really about that one issue?  Isn't it really about something else (not feeling valued, being lonely, not being sure that you're on the same team any more)?  I know it is.  Shhhhhh...you don't even have to say it.

The truth is that my marriage is pretty amazing.  My husband is kind, a great dad, funny and not at all a douchebag.  I'd like to think that other people think that I come across as slightly less bitchy in real life than I do in my head.  We tend to talk things over, are on the same page when it comes to raising our kids, and have lots of fun together. 
However, there was a problem in our household...and it stank.

Stop smiling, you asshole.

We live in a rural development, really more of a small town inside of another small town.  It's picturesque, classic New England, dirt roads, cape cod houses but no trash pick up.  The only way to have your trash removed from your house is via one of two methods: pay someone to do it or take it to the dump your own damn self.  (watch the video-this is one of my fondest childhood memories)

So, being the stingy, contrary New Englanders we are, we found out that it would cost $20 per month to have someone take away our trash!  "NO WAY!" we said.  We were not going to pay someone $20 to haul away our old food containers, dirty diapers, etc.  We would take it to the dump ourselves.
Well, after 3 winters and summers of fighting about who was going to take the trash to the dump...what's that?  You want to see what that fight looks like?

Almost there...Pretty accurate.

Me:  Can you please take the trash to the dump?  The shitbird raccoons are trying to get into the bins every night and I'm pretty sure there's a colony of maggots in the bottom of the bin.
Him:  (sigh) Okay.  Why can't you do it during the week?  I have to work all day and then spend Saturday cleaning out the van and taking the trash to the dump now.
Me: (trying not to punch him in the wind pipe) Well, I'm at home with two kids, I do everything else around here, and I'm just asking you to take the trash to the dump.  Please, please, don't make me go there.  I hate it there.  It smells horrible, there are so many flies, and I just HATE THE DUMP.
Him: (looks defeated, clearly can not argue with my airtight rhetoric)  Okay, I'll do it.  Do you think I like going to the dump? 
Thing 1:  Thing two pooped in the bath tub/spilled something/drew on the wall!
Me and him:  Stop tattling!  Thing Two, why did you poop in the bath tub/spill something/draw on the wall?

and scene...

You're too kind! 

Now, imagine that almost exact same fight happen 30 times a year...or, imagine someone not going for a while and the trash piling up and then imagine the passive aggressive rage I would exhibit when the shitbird raccoons did get into the trash and spread it all around the yard....and guess who got to clean it up because I "just stay home."  You guessed it.  The trash was not just a festering maggot colony, it was festering rage and resentment and fights and loads of bacteria.

How can I hate something so adorable with so much passion?  Once you've woken up to this scene a few times, you'll find yourself screaming swears at them from your living room windows, too.

Finally, I had enough.  He got a better job which freed up a little extra money which meant I could finally justify paying someone else $20 per month to come haul away our 2-4 bags of trash and recyclables per week.  And, you know what?  It is amazing.  I can't explain the joy I get in taking the trash bins out to the curb and watching for Ralph I-don't-know-his-last-name to pull up in his red truck with his reflective stuck-on letters on the side to empty out my trash and recyclables and take it where ever he wants to take it.  It is just not our problem any more.  So how did this save our marriage?  It gave us one less stressful thing between us.  We were able to move on, get rid of this issue and not give it room to make a problem for us in the future. Plus, I really, really hate going to the dump. 

Today's lesson:  If you can get rid of a major stressor, do it.  Don't let the raccoons win, and let Jensen tell you what you already know:

...swoon....

Really Living while on a Budget

I thought that right now, in the beginning of a new year (but not the beginning of a new decade, as a friend of ours pointed out-the new decade does not, in fact, begin until 2011) would be a good time to address the biggest monkey on my back...debt and budgeting.  This is not just a sore spot to me, though, most of my friends and even our country are struggling with these issues.  I know that there are a lot of reasons for this current economic melt down but believe that if we were brought up as a nation to be savers (and conservers and recyclers not to mention critical thinkers) this situation would not have happened.
When I was growing up, I received an allowance from my mom.  I was expected to split it into two envelopes, one for  saving and one for spending money.  By the end of high school, I had a pretty good chunk of change saved up.  However, in the ever amazing wisdom of youth, I spent it all on a car.  Now, I loved that car but it was not the best choice I ever made.
Thanks to the two envelope system I grew up with, I have a never ending need to save.  I love having money in my savings account.  The more I have saved, the better I am able to sleep.
My family, through a few different factors (choice, some poor decisions when we were young(er) and (more) foolish, and some unexpected circumstances) is currently living on a very strict budget.  Luckily, we both have jobs, we are all healthy and have had relatively good luck with our cars.  We have, however, had to make many adjustments to our wallets and more to our minds to be able to move forward with our finances.
The first challenge to our finances came with the birth of our oldest daughter.  We were a two-income family but now had to pay out over $500.00 per week in child care.  We did not adjust our weekly spending habits and quickly found ourselves in a pickle.  We had very little savings and the same expenses did not realize that even with two full time incomes an extra expenditure of $120 per week would hit the bank account so hard.  But we kept on and in time we cut other expenses down and were able to better absorb that daycare expense.  Then we started thinking about having another child.  Then we decided to move to Hawaii from Maine.  Then I dropped down to part-time work (and we worked at different times) so that we wouldn't pay child care any more.  Then we were blessed with a second, un-eventful pregnancy.  Then we moved back to Maine and bought a house.  Then we had our second baby girl.  Now it's been about a year since we bought the house and have two children, two cars and I only work part-time.
And, you know what?  We are for the most part in better shape budget wise than we were with two incomes.  We don't make nearly as much money but we are far more conscious of our money.  Before we spend we ask ourselves a few questions:
1.  Can we get this used? (except for underwear, diapers, basically anything that touches the nether regions)
2.  Is this the best possible deal?  Sometimes this is a really hard one to ask myself because I am generally shopping alone with my two children.  Anyone who shops alone with any children knows that the biggest hassle of a shopping trip is the CHILDREN!  The idea of going to a second shop (which means loading them back into the car for a trip somewhere else and then getting everyone out and re-organized to go into yet another store is a huge hassle).  Generally I research my prices and products online and don't go for it until I'm pretty certain that I can get what I need in one place.
3.  Do we really NEED this?  I admit, this is a hard one for us.  We are fairly impulsive people and have a very hard time differentiating between need and want.  I am also excellent at justifying why I should buy things.  I know this and often have to talk myself out of making purchases while trying to talk myself into making purchases.
4.  If we need this, where the heck are we going to put it?  This is our newest test.  Having two children has shown me that your home will quickly get overrun with stuff.  If I don't have a place to put the item, I do not allow myself to buy it.  As a part of that rule, my husband recently built a wall of shelves in our basement (from floor to ceiling)  We were able to put everything but a few tables and our bikes away on those shelves.  We have now set a limit that we will not store anything down in the basement that does not fit on those shelves.  That means that before we can get any more stuff, we need to purge what we already have.

These steps seem so common sense as I write them but when going through them it is very difficult to be honest with myself about the answers.  However, we have had some really great discussions with Olivia about budgeting, about clearing out trash and toys that aren't used any more and about recycling.  We'll keep with our plan and hopefully our country can find a way to make a realistic budget and get some money in the old savings account!