A Note From Your Resident Fatty

Hi, I'm fat.  I am, and that's okay.  Now here's what you shouldn't do when you read that:



via GIPHY

I mean, thanks Padalecki, I am but don't do that.  That doesn't help anyone feel better but you, for real.
Here is the truth.  I'm a person, I'm fat right now.  Sometimes in my life I've been skinny.  Sometimes in my life I've been in the middle.  Right now I'm fat.
When I was skinny I wasn't a better person.  In fact, I might have been a sad person because I could only think about what I would eat on my cheat day.  Sometimes I felt great, when I acheived goals that I had never been able to do  before (like running my first 5K, for instance, but I wasn't skinny then-I was in-between) and when I learned how much I liked lifting weights.  Those were all important things to me.
Sometimes I'm more active than others.  Sometimes I work out more than other times.  Sometimes I lose weight, sometimes I gain weight, sometimes I love my body and sometimes I hate my body.  I have hated my body when i was skinny and I have hated my body when I was fat.  I have loved my body when I was skinny and when I was fat.  I've had eating disorders (like convincing myself that my food was growing mold on it and I couldn't eat any more when I was in high school- I didn't realize how messed up that was until years later when I read about a character with a severe eating disorder doing the same thing)  I've done extreme exercise programs and eat completely clean.  I've done extreme diets (the Whole 30 anyone?)  I've binged on chips (yum) and pizza (yum) and beer (yum) and wine (yum).  I've done it all.
So:  What are you thinking right now?   Do you feel sorry for me that I can't get it together?  Well, don't worry about it.  I don't feel bad for me at all.  I feel great.  Here's what I've realized:  Even if I lose weight I will always be a fat person.  I love bad food.  I love being sedentary.  I also love working out -right now I'm working out more than I have in a while, but not because I hate myself.  Now it's because I love this body and love seeing what I can do.  I also have more time, older kids, I work outside the home, and I really want to spend an hour a day doing something for myself.  However, this doesn't mean that I don't sometimes feel bad (don't we all?) or mad that I can't do something (don't we all?)
This also means that I have been thinking about how to describe my body to my daughters.  They are 7 and 11 and are starting to get body aware.  Should I say I'm fat?  Should I say I want to work out in front of them?  How do I keep them from getting into that "Fat is bad" mindset?  I want them to be healthy, but I don't want them to hate what their body does.  So, here's what I've stopped doing.  I tell them when I have frustrations with my body.  If I can't do something or I don't fit in something or really any situation.  I just don't assign a judgement to it.  Saying I'm fat isn't a judgement on me, as long as I don't mean it in a derogatory way.  It's no different than saying I have blue eyes or big boobs (which, honestly, the boobs are more of a problem than a fat butt most of the time).  I explain that we all have challenges, and that's it.
Here's what you shouldn't do for your fat friend/family member/co-worker:

1. Tell them that they're fat (you probably wouldn't use that word, but you know how you'd say it).  I guarantee you they already know.  It's impossible for them to not know that they're fat because they watch TV, look at magazines, and just generally are self aware.  
2. Think that you need to "save" them.  Fat people are not rescue animals.  Do you have something that you don't like about yourself (or something that you're just sick of hearing about from well-meaning people?)  Well, imagine if your family or friends constantly were trying to fix you.  If they say they want to do something or want your help, offer it.  See point #1.  They know they're fat. 
3. Tell them they should stay away from certain clothes because of their body type.  Honestly, do I need to say it again?  See #1.  Your loved one or family member is really trying their best to find flattering clothes, just like you do.  I guarantee whatever criticism you have for them they have already thought at some point in their life.
4. Don't be offended for them if they point out in a matter of fact way that they are fat and it's okay.  It really is.  Health and fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.
 

Here's what you should do: love them.  Love yourself.   Eat a salad, eat a damn piece of pizza, lift weights, (by the way-because of my big booty I am a BEAST when it comes to leg presses).  Celebrate your friend or loved one because they are a great person.  You don't love them in spite of their butt size, you love them because they add value to your life. Most of all, don't be afraid to say the word "fat."  Fat is not a bad word.  Let's not have another generation of girls be afraid of that word or their body shape or big muscles or doing math.  Let's just be. 

Watching 50 Shades of Grey....Gray? Here are 80 thoughts I had while watching.

It doesn't really matter.
I've had a few glasses of wine and now have decided to watch 50 Shades of Grey...Gray...shit.  I should probably know that.
Here are my thoughts.
1.  Ha!  Anastasia Steele just bit her lip!  Is Dakota Johnson trying to make this a Twilight parody already?  Is that an homage to Kristin Stewart's excellent lip biting skills?
2.  What's my Google password?  I want to write a blog entry...or live tweet...but I haven't written a blog entry in a long time so I'll do that but I can't remember my password...there...changed it.  Hope I can remember it tomorrow!
3.  Oh look, everyone who works at Grey (Gray?) House is dressed in...you guessed it...GRAY.  Fucking fantastic.  I get it.  Grey.Gray. I don't know if I can make it through this movie.
4.  OOps...Anastasia fell into his office.  I get it.  She didn't do anything really embarrassing, though.  She should have farted really loud when she fell...or started crying...then a snot bubble...not that anything like that has ever happened to me.
5.Oh I exercise Control in all things Miss Steele...uh...okay...
6.  Is Christian Grey supposed to be Donald Trump?
7.  If a guy tells you he "enjoys various physical pursuits" when you ask what he does for fun he definitely hunts people for sport.
8.Oh, now he walked around the desk and asked her if she has an actual question!
9.  Are you GAY?  ARE YOU KIDDING?
10.  Oh, hot blonde assistant just interrupted...now he has made it known that he wants more Steele and wants to know about her literary preferences?  Whew!  HAWT!
11.  Now he offered her an internship!  But she says she's not hot enough...and asked her if she got everything she needed...
12.  LOL she walks outside in the rain and instantly gets DRENCHED and is breathless...not a lot of mystery as to what is going on there.
13.  She describes him as "clean" to her room mate.  Weird.  Roommate knows Anastasia wants to bone Christian.
14.  27 years old!  WTF!  No way.
15.  Ooh, she's rubbing the Grey pencil on her lips!!!!
16.  WTF the guy who plays not-Jacob (art show guy-Jose) has a receeding hairline and looks at least 15 years older than her.
17.  She works in a hardware store...and Christian Grey appears.  oh, of course he wants cable ties, rope and tape.  probably a shovel and tarp.  Girls love shady billionaires and love making jokes about being a serial killer.
18.  This is a creepy interaction.  She recommends coveralls to protect his clothes...and he suggests not wearing clothes.  If someone said that to me at work I would barf all over them.
19.  Oh, it's a photo shoot and the gangs all here!  He keeps staring at her!   Wants to take her for coffee!  Definitely doesn't want to skin her and wear her skin like a suit!
20.  Why am I watching this?  It's horrible.
21.  I fucking hate this guy "I'm used to getting my own way."  Fuck you, asshat.
22.  Oh, Anastasia considers herself a romantic.  I guess that means that romantics like creepy assholes who want to wear their skin.
23.  "I'm not the man for you"  Oh, yeah, you're right.  You're a creep.  KBye.
24.  WOWWWWEEEEE First edition books from you're creepy coffee date who you just helped pick out MURDER TOOLS!  WTF is wrong with you, Anastasia?
25.  Waiting in line for the ladies room is the worst.  How old is her crappy ass phone?  He has an IPhone and she has a StarTac?  She's drunk dialing him...he's asking weird about her drinking.  But he's drinking wine...DUDE YOU WENT OUT FOR COFFEE.  She is not your girlfriend.  He traced her call?  This should really be a horror movie!  This is terrifying!
26.  Lol.  Jose tried to kiss her.  She said no.  She should have said "No way, Jose."  I would have.
27.  Oh, look!  She spent the night in his apartment and didn't wake up tied to a post with knives shoved in her body.
28.  "Necrophilia's not my thing" when she asks if he raped her unconscious body.
29.  "If you were mine you  wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" then he bites her toast.  You never bite my toast and certainly never threaten butt pain but definitely don't take my food.
30.  "My tastes are very singular"  "Enlighten me, then" reminds me of a conversation I had about cheesecake once.
31.  "I'm not going to touch you-not until I have your written consent" Um....what?
32.  "Fuck the paperwork" I hear you, Christian, I hate paperwork, too.
33.  "Laters, baby?"  What is that?  She is an ENGLISH major!  How could she let that go?
34.  Meanwhile, back at the hardware store... she gets picked up by the way hunkier chauffeur who hasn't threatened to bite her or make her butt hurt or eaten her toast.
35.  Now we're in a helicopter.  Oh yeah, move that joystick, Christian...
36.  Now we're in his penthouse apartment. ...Aaaaand he's making her sign a non-disclosure agreement...totally normal for a first date.
37.  He doesn't make love.  You know what he does.  He fucks.
38.  His playroom.
39.  He has a really nice couch in there, though.
40.  Every good romance really starts with stringent contract negotiations.
41.  Oh fuck...she's still a virgin.  Did he really just ask her if she's done "other things?"
42.  uh...so now they're having sex because he wants her first experience to not be with whips?  I'm still creeped out by this whole thing.  He's playing the piano now!  Now they're going to hump again.
43.  Now it's morning and she's wearing his shirt, a messy bun and making pancakes.  k.
44.Oh jesus.  Mom's name is Grace Grey?  This is infuriating.
45.  ANASTASIA YOUR ROOM HAS A MURAL WITH  A BIRD IN A CAGE!  GET A CLUE!
46.  "Be my submissive I will be devoted to you." Oh, okay.  Totally a normal convo.
47.  He pulls off onto a deserted road "Let's go for a walk" um...NO.
48.    NO MORE WITH THE LATERS BABY!
49.  The roommate can smell the sex on her.  Girls can do that.
50.  They're DM-ing.  Do you think they're Facebook friends?
51.  Are we really going to read a contract now?  Here's the rundown:
        We fuck when and where I want.
         You eat and exercise when I think it's okay.
          I will tell you who you can hang around and what you do with them
          I will choose your safeword because you are an idiot who can't think of anything.
52.  Don't mess around with Christian Grey and threaten to break up with him because he'll do somethig super romantic like break into your apartment, tie you up and have sex with you.  Then he'll drink white wine while you lay aroud cold, naked and blindfolded.  And put ice in your belly button because that's a thing, I guess.
53.  Contract negotiations get plucky, quirky music.  So, Anastasia is ok with lots of things but fisting ain't one!  No genital clamps, either.  Oh and now he's going to take her on a date once a week!  Add it into appendix five!
54.  "Why do I think you're telling me goodbye"  "Because I'm leaving"  oh....the dialog is so painful.  PAINFUL!!!!!
55.  This movie makes me feel like I want to bash my brains in with a hammer.  WHY CAN'T I STOP????
56.  I don't like this punishing thing.  oh, not that he's spanked her for rolling her eyes he's just going to leave and go back to work?
57.  Mom calls and they have a not-talk (that's when you pretend nothing's wrong and you are not being kept by a crazy weirdo while your mom chugs wine)
58.I want to take you to my playroom.  Creepy sentence coming from a clearly at least 35 year old but pretending to be 27 year old man.
59.  OH HE IS AN UDERWEAR SNIFFER!!!!!  Are there any female underwear sniffers out there?  Who would want to sniff dude drawers?  I honestly can't think of one guy that makes me want to sniff his undies.
60.  Now they're at dinner at his parents house and he's furious that she's friends with good old "No Way, Jose" and is going to visit her mother.  He is bad news.  This is like a really racy afterschool special about abusive relationships.
61.  "Let me touch you!" she says.  Ugggghhhhhhhh......
62.  Oh, now it all makes sense...he's an asshole because he had a rough start in life.  Mommy was a crack addict and a prostitute.  Throw in webbed feet and he's doctor evil!
63.  Thank God there's only 28 minutes left in this movie...but who's counting?
64.  Mom and stepdad look surprisingly young.  Now Anastasia's listening to her mom get porked in the other room.  Wholesome family fun for everyone.
65.  Anastasia's getting drunk with her mom at a bar and Christian shows up.
66.  Now it's the next day and they're getting in a weird plane...glider, I guess...He just introduced Anastasia as his girlfriend.
67.  Surprise!  Now he's being an asshole again!  Nobody is surprised at all.
68.  For someone who's not supposed to drink she sure drinks a lot.
69.  She's home.  he's yelling into the phone like a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON.  Now get to the playroom.....STAT!
70.  Oh God is it over yet?  No?  Still 20 minutes?  I should have picked out a safe word before I starting this shit show.
71.  Maybe the 20 minutes remaining includes the credits.
72.  What does Escala mean?  That is the title of his building.  Scale?  Does he have psoriasis?
73.  Why does he play the piano after sex/beating sessions?  Why does she want to talk to him?
74.  You know what this movie needs?   The doorbell needs to ring and the singing telegram girl from Clue needs to be singing her little ditty.  That would break up the monotony of this sad, sad situation.
75.  Now we're back in the playroom and he's really just being a dick about this whole bondage thing.  76.  Now she's mad.  Her butt hurts.  She's crying.  It's a dark and stormy night....
77.  Now he's apologizing.  Blah blah blah I'm so damaged, We love each other, we're so wrong for each other.
78.  I guess they're breaking up because she doesn't like being beaten within an inch of her life.
79.  She totally has Stockholm syndrome and is completely obsessed with this horrible guy.  No one can move on but she's definitely doing a better job.  He's a wreck.
80.  It's over!  IT'S OVER!!!!  I MADE IT!

Here's the takeaway points:  50 Shades of Grey is a study of what you would let a hot billionaire do to you.  Basically, how much spanking would you let happen if you could ride First Class and get a free car?
       

Working Out...again

I knew that starting to run again at 35 would be hard on my body, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  Running now, while it feels great in the moment, has introduced me to a level of discomfort I didn't know existed.  I know it's not because of how out of shape I am-because I am not that much more out of shape than the last time I really got serious about my physical fitness.  The main difference is that now I'm 35-when before, I was 29.

Look at how YOUNG and energetic I am!!!!!

When I was 29 and started working out again, I had two young kids but could find an hour to work out during their nap times 5 days a week.  5 DAYS A WEEK!!!  I would do push ups, ab work, cardio, weight lifting, and my body LOVED it.  Sure, I was sore, but it went away quickly.
Last week I started a Couch to 5K workout.  It is 3 days per week for 30 minutes.  That's it.  I'm now on week two.  Today I thought I might have to amputate my legs after doing the workout for 31 minutes.  

This is honestly what I looked like when I got off the couch a few hours after my run.

This is something I have never experienced before.  I know that the workout is not the problem.  It feels great to move my body and see my times improving.  I like feeling my muscles move and seeing them change after just  a week.  I like knowing that my body can do what I need it to do.
Before, when I was 29, my body just cooperated with me.  My body said "sure, we can do this!"  I said "Do More!" and my body said "YES!!!  MORE!!!"   Now, at 35, I say "can we please, please, please go for a little run today?  My body sighs and says "Fuck off, not now, I want to take a nap"  and I'll say "well, we really need to" and my body says "okay...but you know what that means for you later..."

Now I know.  Right after my run I felt great.  Loose, long, lanky muscles, tired, sweaty, satisfied.  A few hours later I felt like the crypt keeper.  I felt like my legs, feet, ankles and brain were screaming at me with every step.  "WHY!!!!!  Why????  This is week 2!  It should start to feel better now...not like torture!!"  But I know, this is all part of getting older.  I'm fortunate that I can get in shape, train for a 5K, challenge myself but I know that this is going to hurt like Hell.  That's okay-I'm tough.

Becoming

Somewhere along the way, I have become a mother.  I don't mean on the day my first daughter was born when it seemed so weird to say "that's my daughter," or the time that I fumbled through teaching her to walk or even when I introduced her to her younger sister-because I don't think that it happened in one moment.

I think it was a million little failures, fears and maybe 100 successes.  I think that I knew that I was their mother, but I didn't understand that, at the core of my being, I AM a mother.  I think that living in the neverending, messy confusion of early motherhood and waiting for something to happen, something to change, I didn't feel the subtle and important changes happening in my core.

When my eldest daughter was born she was beautiful and disgusting-all covered in goo and blood and screaming.  I looked at her and marveled at her perfection and immediately thought "Oh shit, I have to take her home."  I was completely terrified and projectile vomited all over my hospital room after eating two purple popsicles and didn't sleep again for 3 years and still I craved her snuggles, smiles, words, and laughter.  Somewhere, I started to feel that mother-ness...

Maybe it was when my youngest was born and I felt like my heart was going to explode with joy when I saw my two beautiful girls together.  Maybe it was teaching my littlest and last baby the same things I had taught my eldest, and having her happily help her sister.  Maybe it was just a culmination of experiences, laughter, tears and exhaustion that finally makes me feel that I am more than just me.
Motherhood is transcendent.  It is really realizing that you are not who you were before.  You can never be that person again.   You can't be that person who didn't understand how your mom could have been soooooo mean to you that time.  Oh, you understand.  Mom, I totally get it.  Even more than that, you know why she came to everything for you-all of your concerts, games, so many sports things sitting on those horrible bleachers, and she was the ultimate fan of whatever you were doing at the time.  That is being a mother.

Being a mother is knowing that you can never, ever be the same person you were before your children were born, because they have helped you grow into something that is more complicated, more beautiful, better than before.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point I became not just me, but a mother, and it is terrifying and wonderful and frustrating and every other adjective you could think of.
But I wouldn't change a second of it.

The Triumph and the Tragedy of Motherhood

Today was both a celebration and a gut punch.  Being a mother is so extremely rewarding but, as a part of the reward for doing your job, you are reminded that your job is to make your children independent, strong, and not need you-or, at least, not always need you.

First the triumph-because I'll pretend that I have had a lot to do with that.  My sweet, courageous daughters have been attending a cheering/tumbling camp this week, during school vacation.  They are taking chances and doing things they've been scared to do and today my youngest (6 years old) volunteered to be in a contest and performed jumps and cartwheels in front of the whole camp-all of whom are older kids than her.  That BLEW MY MIND.  My eldest was tirelessly working to improve-hit her back handspring, perfect her cartwheel, learn new techniques so that she can be the best team mate she can be.   I was the kid in high school who loved singing but constantly talked myself out of really auditioning for anything other than the chorus in the school musical (except for senior year).  I was so scared of giving the wrong answer that I didn't raise my hand in class and I always chose my social life over really applying myself-just because I thought I couldn't do it.  Then, here are my amazing daughters who have been just exceeding, addressing things, and volunteering to do extra.  They are challenging themselves, they are accomplishing things, and they don't realize what a huge deal it is.  They are not afraid!  I don't know where that comes from.  I am so in awe of what they have inside of their souls and can't even imagine where they will end up with that kind of courage.  Imagine, if all of the girls weren't afraid to tackle math problems or climb mountains or be doctors or study climate change, the economy, be president.  Imagine a GENERATION of Michelle Obamas, Hilary Clintons, Annie Oakleys.  My job is to keep nourishing that flame and to encourage them to always be brave.

Now the flip side of the coin.  I had heard rumours from an unnamed source that my 9 year old was really working hard to stop calling me mommy, and to start calling me mom.  Tonight she was reading a book to her sister, and was replacing "mommy" with "mom" the whole way through.  I went in to the room, intending to just tell her that I understood, that I remembered that thought, and as I was saying it, I started crying because I realize that it's time.  She is growing up.  She is closer to being a teen than a toddler, and is halfway to adulthood.  I smiled at her, told her that I understood, that I was sorry I was crying, but that I understood.  I told her that it was okay with me if she called me "mom" it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but that she could call me "mommy" whenever she wanted.  We both cried, we both hugged, the six year old started crying, said that she still wanted to call me "mommy."  One of us made a fart joke, we laughed about all the silly ways you can say "mommy" and I left the room with them giggling over Pinkalicious together.
That's the way of motherhood. The bittersweet, working-your-way-out-of-a-job reality of parenting.  If you do it right, they're constantly challenging themselves, reaching out, yet strengthening those wings to leave the nest some day.  I will always encourage them to stretch and grow, even as it makes me want to cling tighter and pull them back.  For now, though, we'll just try to make it through the tween angst, teen rebellion, and I'll sit in awe of the women they're becoming.

A Whole New World...

My youngest daughter started Kindergarten last month.  This is the child who has asked to go to school every day since she could talk.  This is the child who has watched her sister go to pre-school and school from the very minute she left the hospital.  She is joyful, bright, funny, infuriating, short tempered, the best hugger and a great little pal to spend your days with.
So...now she's been getting ready to go to school.  She has been spending days on end talking about what she wants to learn, who she wants her teacher to be, how many friends she's going to make,  and so much more.
My experience with her has been a totally different experience than with my eldest daughter.  My eldest was nervous about school, we had no idea what to expect, and while she was excited to go, we both were very emotional and felt very unprepared.  Her school experience, from Kindergarten through 2nd grade, was in a different school district and was full of teary days and nights, lots of unfinished work, bus ride bribery, and calls home from the school  Last year we homeschooled (that's another story) and this year, for 4th grade, after a move to a new district, school, etc., she loves her school.
My youngest, though, started school and is so HAPPY to be there.  She can't wait to get to school.  She  is finally able to experience these magical things she's watched her sister do (buying school lunch, taking notes to the teacher, doing homework (not really-she's mad about that) and going to the school library.  It is such a relief knowing that I can leave them in a supportive environment where they are actually learning and being taken care of.
You know what's even nicer?  BEING ALONE.   Let that sink in for a minute.  Stay at home moms, you know what I'm talking about.  That dream that you have had for at least 5 years ( It's been 9 years for me) has finally come true.  I can now clean up after lunch and there are not instantly dishes in the sink.  I can now sit down without being asked to get someone food.  I can vacuum and not have to pick up little shitty toys all over the floor because someone decided they can't wait to get out their Monster High dolls and rip all of the clothing and limbs off and then go get out their legos then run away, with it all still on the floor, and play on the swings.
Here's another benefit:  my hubby works second shift-so we actually have most of the day together, without children.  We can go out to lunch or coffee or watch an episode of Breaking Bad in the middle of the day or he can actually take a nap before work, be rested up, and I can go have coffee with my friends.  Yes!  Here's the most amazing part of this-we still like each other!  (That's also another story).

So, while I have really really enjoyed and been driven completely insane by my two girls, being with them day to day, watching them grow and learn and fight and start to discover who they are, has been chaotic, fun, and a true blessing.  I wouldn't wish it away or trade it for anything.  However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy the shit out of this time- and my newly re-discovered FREEDOM.

How the Garbage Man Saved My Marriage...

Yes, that is a very dramatic title, isn't it?  Now, before you get all hot and bothered (mom) worrying about the state of my marriage, here's the truth...I may have overstated the issue a bit.  I'm going to lay it all out for you, though, and I think you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Here is my theory about why people get divorced:  teeny tiny little problems (like who should take the trash to the dump or do the dishes after dinner) turn into bigger problems (like hating each other), then the biggest problems (cheating, etc) turn into D-I-V-O-R-C-E.  Yeah, I know what you're saying.  Many marriages are shams, many wives are bitches and/or nags, many husbands are just douchebags and/or clueless, every rose has it's thorn...blah, blah, blah.  Those aren't the type of marriages I'm talking about.  I'm talking about everyone else.  Your friends, in-laws, boss, whoever.  The type of people who, when they announce they are getting a divorce, cause shocked silence, weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Their announcement causes everyone who hears about it to say "I never saw that coming."  These marriages die a slow death of resentment, silence and fights about trash or dishes but really about so much more.  Let's be honest, when you fight about something with your spouse, is it really about that one issue?  Isn't it really about something else (not feeling valued, being lonely, not being sure that you're on the same team any more)?  I know it is.  Shhhhhh...you don't even have to say it.

The truth is that my marriage is pretty amazing.  My husband is kind, a great dad, funny and not at all a douchebag.  I'd like to think that other people think that I come across as slightly less bitchy in real life than I do in my head.  We tend to talk things over, are on the same page when it comes to raising our kids, and have lots of fun together. 
However, there was a problem in our household...and it stank.

Stop smiling, you asshole.

We live in a rural development, really more of a small town inside of another small town.  It's picturesque, classic New England, dirt roads, cape cod houses but no trash pick up.  The only way to have your trash removed from your house is via one of two methods: pay someone to do it or take it to the dump your own damn self.  (watch the video-this is one of my fondest childhood memories)

So, being the stingy, contrary New Englanders we are, we found out that it would cost $20 per month to have someone take away our trash!  "NO WAY!" we said.  We were not going to pay someone $20 to haul away our old food containers, dirty diapers, etc.  We would take it to the dump ourselves.
Well, after 3 winters and summers of fighting about who was going to take the trash to the dump...what's that?  You want to see what that fight looks like?

Almost there...Pretty accurate.

Me:  Can you please take the trash to the dump?  The shitbird raccoons are trying to get into the bins every night and I'm pretty sure there's a colony of maggots in the bottom of the bin.
Him:  (sigh) Okay.  Why can't you do it during the week?  I have to work all day and then spend Saturday cleaning out the van and taking the trash to the dump now.
Me: (trying not to punch him in the wind pipe) Well, I'm at home with two kids, I do everything else around here, and I'm just asking you to take the trash to the dump.  Please, please, don't make me go there.  I hate it there.  It smells horrible, there are so many flies, and I just HATE THE DUMP.
Him: (looks defeated, clearly can not argue with my airtight rhetoric)  Okay, I'll do it.  Do you think I like going to the dump? 
Thing 1:  Thing two pooped in the bath tub/spilled something/drew on the wall!
Me and him:  Stop tattling!  Thing Two, why did you poop in the bath tub/spill something/draw on the wall?

and scene...

You're too kind! 

Now, imagine that almost exact same fight happen 30 times a year...or, imagine someone not going for a while and the trash piling up and then imagine the passive aggressive rage I would exhibit when the shitbird raccoons did get into the trash and spread it all around the yard....and guess who got to clean it up because I "just stay home."  You guessed it.  The trash was not just a festering maggot colony, it was festering rage and resentment and fights and loads of bacteria.

How can I hate something so adorable with so much passion?  Once you've woken up to this scene a few times, you'll find yourself screaming swears at them from your living room windows, too.

Finally, I had enough.  He got a better job which freed up a little extra money which meant I could finally justify paying someone else $20 per month to come haul away our 2-4 bags of trash and recyclables per week.  And, you know what?  It is amazing.  I can't explain the joy I get in taking the trash bins out to the curb and watching for Ralph I-don't-know-his-last-name to pull up in his red truck with his reflective stuck-on letters on the side to empty out my trash and recyclables and take it where ever he wants to take it.  It is just not our problem any more.  So how did this save our marriage?  It gave us one less stressful thing between us.  We were able to move on, get rid of this issue and not give it room to make a problem for us in the future. Plus, I really, really hate going to the dump. 

Today's lesson:  If you can get rid of a major stressor, do it.  Don't let the raccoons win, and let Jensen tell you what you already know:

...swoon....

Cry It Out Vs. Crying in General-Yeah, I'm going there.

In case you don't know what CIO means (apparently you haven't been a new mom in the past 100 years or so) it means Cry It Out-meaning the Cry It Out Method.  There are some facts that I want to address about babies crying, because there is a wealth of false information about letting babies cry.

According to Baby Center, there are at least 12 reasons why babies cry:

• 1. Hunger
• 2. A dirty diaper
• 3. Needs sleep
• 4. Wants to be held
• 5. Tummy troubles (gas, colic, and more)
• 6. Needs to burp
• 7. Too cold or too hot
• 8. Something small
• 9. Teething
• 10. Wants less stimulation
• 11. Wants more stimulation
• 12. Not feeling well
• What to do if your baby's still crying

At the end of the article, there is one more category, and that says that babies cry sometimes for no reason!  They do!  So do you!  Sometimes babies cry to get excess energy out of their system.  Sometimes they cry to tell you what they need (because, at the beginning, they don't have any other way to tell you-they can't talk yet, after all).

So, let's talk about babies crying, okay?  This is one thing that makes me crazy, and I'm going to rant alllll over you right now.

Do you smell it?  Soak it in, baby!

Let's talk about this bullshit statement "It's not my parenting choice to let my baby Cry It Out."  Do you want to know why this is bullshit?  Because it is, pure and simple.  People who say that have a warped idea of what/why babies cry and what exactly Cry It Out means.  Babies cry.  They fuss, they cry, eventually they start to smile, laugh and talk, but at first they just cry, poop and sleep.  You can choose to never let your baby cry, but you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you do.  I have heard this statement from multiple first-time parents, and they all make me crazy when I hear it. 

First of all, babies cry sometimes to communicate with you.  Do you know what your baby is saying when it is crying because he/she is hungry?  The baby is saying "Hey, it's been 2.5 seconds since I stopped eating/you sat down/you started to shower/poop/etc. and I'm HUNGRY!"  That is communication.  P.S.  You want them to learn to communicate with you if you ever want them to talk.  I understand if you don't want them to learn to talk, I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old, but it's probably not the best plan for them to get ahead in life.

Does this picture stress you out as much as it does me?  If so, you're a parent!

Babies also cry to burn off energy.  The youngest ones, especially, all have working brains, and ideas about what they want to do.  They are trapped in a body that won't move the way they want it to/they can't figure out how to make it do what they want it too.  They can't talk to you.  They can't get what they want by themselves.  They have energy to burn.  They are frustrated.  They cry.  Or, maybe they are trying to get to sleep or who knows!  If you have fed them, changed their diaper, held them, rocked them, and they are in a safe place, it's okay to let them cry for a while while you take some time to get yourself together.

Not a safe place to leave your baby while you get yourself together.

Trust me, you will need to get yourself together sometimes.  Sometimes that overwhelming feeling of being responsible for a new life, the sound of your baby crying when you don't know what to do to fix it, the knowledge that you have tried everything and the idea that you can't control this  situation is just too much.  You need to take a time out and if the baby has to cry for 5 or 10 minutes, so be it.  Forgive yourself.  You are going to be a much better mother if you let yourself relax, enjoy your baby, and don't constantly hold yourself up to unrealistic expectations.

Finally, there seems to be this idea out there that Cry It Out means letting your baby cry until they pass out or die or forever or something.  That is simply not true.
This is what it actually means:

What exactly is the Ferber method?

In a nutshell, Ferber says you can teach your baby to soothe himself to sleep when he's physically and emotionally ready, usually sometime between 3 and 5 months of age.

He recommends following a warm, loving bedtime routine and then putting your baby in bed awake and leaving him (even if he cries) for gradually longer periods of time. Putting a child to bed awake, says Ferber, is crucial to successfully teaching him to go to sleep on his own.

Parents are instructed to pat and comfort their baby after each predetermined period of time, but not to pick up or feed their baby. This routine is called "progressive waiting."

The suggested waiting time, which Ferber charts in his book, is based on how comfortable you are with the technique, how many days you've been using it, and how many times you've already checked on your child that night.

After a few days to a week of gradually increasing the waiting time, the theory goes, most babies learn to fall asleep on their own, having discovered that crying earns nothing more than a brief check from you.

You can read more here.

That is probably not so much different than you are already doing, and it doesn't seem nearly as controversial as it is made out to be.  We all, as parents, have to work on building our children into independent adults, and that includes being able to fall asleep.  Do you want to know how long I made it the first time I tried to let my daughter cry?  About 30 seconds.  She was fine.  Do you know how long it took her to "learn" to fall asleep on her own when laid down awake?  About a week or so.  We were consistent with routine, kept her physically and intellectually active, and had set bed times.  It was hard work, but to this day, both of my children are excellent sleepers, are able to self-soothe, and happy and well-adjusted children.  They have formed secure attachments to us, they have friends, and are functional kids.  They are independent and have a strong sense of self.



We will all argue and fight for our children, views, etc. but at the end of the day we will all do what is best for our children.  We will all be the best parents we can be.  We will love our kids, make some mistakes, and hope that they forgive us some day.   That's all fine, and hopefully some day we moms can stop fighting each other about who is right and wrong, and forgive ourselves for being who we are.

My Name is Dave

Hi.  I have a new name now.  It's Dave.  You see, I am a boss.  I run a small business with my friend (shameless plug here).  We are new to being bosses, and finding it challenging and fun at the same time.  We are both Dave, and we refer to each other as such. 
What is the most challenging think about being the boss?  You are responsible for everything.  It is terrifying and liberating to think that if something doesn't get done, there is really no one else to take it over for you.  On one hand, you are able to do things the way you want.  On the other, you are the one responsible when things go wrong.   It's a lot like being a parent in that way, except no one expects you to make money being a mom.

This is what I thought it would look like to work from home with my children by my side.

So, what does a day look like for a small business owner?  We are finding that there is no typical day.  On any given day, we are working on promotions, advertising, pricing structures, web design, social media strategies, lesson planning, space/leasing issues, customer retention, teaching classes, and planning for the future among other things.  We are trying to manage finances, figure out how best to hire and pay employees It is a challenge to work in my normal load of housework, bill paying, grocery shopping and still find time for my other part time job.  That doesn't even include time for my family.  There is some time for my family, but it's built in between my business tasks.

This is what it actually looks like.

 Now, that is not to say that all is not well and that I don't enjoy my new position.   I think that I am getting more organized and am being forced to come up with more of a schedule for housework.  My daughters are having to be more patient, and are getting to see what it takes to build a business from the ground up.  They are getting to be a part of a really fun music and movement program, and are a great focus group.  My husband is being very helpful and supportive, and is there with an "'atta girl" when I need one. 

I guess I'll leave you with this thought.  Being a small business owner, especially being a new small business owner, is hard, confusing and scary.  It is also tons of fun, liberating and creates a sense of accomplishment.  We are building something new, necessary and helpful to people in our area, and we are having a blast doing it.  

Look out, world, the Daves are here and you are all going to have to walk a little faster to catch up. 

Learning from the Children

My daughters are tightly coiled balls of ever increasing energy.  My eldest daughter does not just get out of bed in the morning (or stumble, flailing until I find my glasses, swearing at the sun for rising, my dog for getting in my way, the coffee for not already being made, etc.).  No.  She wakes up in the morning, leaps to the end of her bed, jumps from her bed to the floor, and skips...skips!  down stairs.  She skips every where.  She skips all day long.  She skips to the bathroom, she skips to the kitchen to get a yogurt, she skips or runs but hardly ever walks.

My husband and I were discussing this the other day.  We noticed that her first choice is to always skip between tasks. We both watched her skip into the bathroom and as she left the room, we were both smiling and laughing.  Watching her skipping brought us joy!  We both remarked that we wished that our first thought was to always skip-instead of plodding along as it seems some days.

Our youngest does not just wake up, either.  If, by chance, we have to wake her up she doesn't roll over and groggily greet us with a smile.  She lies on her stomach, flapping and clapping and slapping her feet and hands on her mattress until she springs up, grabs onto the bars of her crib, and jumps up and down.  This whole sequence takes about 5 seconds.  She is ready for action as soon as her eyes open.  She is full of joy and thrilled to greet the day.

Both of my daughters are excited to get on with the next thing, but they are also so happy to be in that moment that they make us happy to be a part of that moment.  They have helped us to find joy in mundane moments and, quite often, cause us to stop, take a look around, and be happy for simple moments. 
I'm not going to pretend that I can alter my bad attitude upon waking up.  I don't know if I am willing to work on that part of me when there are so many other facets of me that need work (such as the part of me that follows through with things, the part of me that cleans the bathroom more often, or the part of me that can focus on things for more than 10 minutes).  However, I am willing to take a little more time and be thankful for small moments of joy and peace and be looking for opportunities to recognize those two things.  Hopefully, in the future, my daughters will remember me as a fun mom whose moments of joy outnumbered the moments of grouchy, flailing anger. 

The Money Jar

Ingredients:
2 Jars (Mason, Spaghetti Sauce, etc.)
Coins
Unruly Child

Step 1.  Decide on target behaviors (we decided to work on talking instead of whining, eating meals without complaining, sharing, following directions the first time she's asked and being quiet when I'm on the phone).  Assign a monetary amount to each behavior (following directions is worth 10 cents, everything else is worth 5.)

Step 2.  Explain rules to unruly child.  Explain that if they, for example, follow directions the first time they're asked to do something they will earn 10 cents.  Likewise, if they don't meet the targeted behaviors (and start whining, for example) 5 cents from her jar will go into my jar.  Also explain that "extra" coins can be earned for super duper extra helpful and kind actions.

Step 3.  Watch said unruly child turn into a perfect angel and magically decide that they have  to clean up the play room, take her blanket upstairs, and share with her sister.  Oh, and be consistent.


Step 4.  Call your friend and thank her for the idea because, at least for one day, you didn't  have to fight with your daughter.  Hug your daughter and love her.

Step 5.  Call your mom and thank her for raising you.  I don't know about you, but my mom did it all alone-and I don't know how she did it.  Love you, Mom!

Remember-change the goals as your child masters them and remember-this is a positive reinforcement technique.  The amount of money doesn't matter to the child as much as the fact that they can see items being put in or taken out of their jar.  If you don't feel comfortable with money use something else that your child really cares about.  We're saving up Olivia's coins to buy a DVD or a Barbie-whichever she decides she wants more.