When I became a mother, I became a different person. It didn't happen at once and it has been a really confusing road, but somewhere along the way I became Kristen 2.0...or maybe 5.0 or more. Who knows how many different incarnations I've really had and not noticed the changes over time, but this incarnation is a big, big change.
There are many parts of this "new" Kristen that I like, and probably the best part is that I finally really love and accept my body. I love my big butt and curvy figure. I really like my hair. I even like my crooked, hooked witch nose. I love my belly and thighs and my strong arms and legs.
This is a big deal because I have always hated and shamed myself about my body. I was skinny in high school because I didn't eat anything but rice, salads, and drink diet soda. I was miserable in my own skin. I was constantly belittling myself, comparing myself to others, and so disappointed that I could never get my skin that perfect shade of tan, that I had a different body shape than in the magazines, that my boobs never looked right-you name it, I shamed it.
That continued into college where I suddenly started gaining weight for no conceivable reason
(it turns out that I had a pretty serious thyroid issue) and after babies when I was constantly frustrated with my body-so much so that I started devoting hours per day to working out, planning my food intake, and became obsessed and disgusted with myself because after all of that work, I still wasn't where I needed to be. Then I gained the weight back.
Now I was totally disgusted with myself
, angry that I had let myself down, etc. Angry that I had lost control. Ashamed that I was the fat mom, the fat friend, the fat wife.
Last summer, I had an epiphany. This is my body. This is the one that I was given and the only way that I can really be who I want to be is to accept me. That means accepting the big butt, the curvy figure, my crooked nose, my soft belly, strong legs and arms, and work with them. I found that the parts of me that I didn't like were not problems-in fact, once I started choosing clothes to really fit my body, my perception of what I looked like completely changed. Suddenly I could look good, feel good, wear comfortable clothes (jeans that fit a butt in them!!!! Thank you Lane Bryant!)
Finally, I decided to exercise because I enjoy the feeling of challenging my body, not because I am disgusted by it. Read that again. I decided to exercise because I enjoy the feeling of challenging my body, not because I am disgusted by it. It's true! There is a whole different kind of exuberance that you feel when you are taking an action to get a positive result. I went running yesterday and it was fun! I took a selfie and I was sweaty, puffy, tired but so happy. As I was running I thought "Wow, my legs are really strong and so are my lungs." You know what I didn't think? I didn't think about how disgusting my body was or how I looked or how I needed to be better and fix this now or I was a failure.
I am so happy to have become this new version of myself, this powerful, strong, me. I am working on getting stronger because I love this body, not because I hate what I am. I am a mom, I am strong, I am running toward my best self, not away from someone that I am ashamed of.
