Watching 50 Shades of Grey....Gray? Here are 80 thoughts I had while watching.

It doesn't really matter.
I've had a few glasses of wine and now have decided to watch 50 Shades of Grey...Gray...shit.  I should probably know that.
Here are my thoughts.
1.  Ha!  Anastasia Steele just bit her lip!  Is Dakota Johnson trying to make this a Twilight parody already?  Is that an homage to Kristin Stewart's excellent lip biting skills?
2.  What's my Google password?  I want to write a blog entry...or live tweet...but I haven't written a blog entry in a long time so I'll do that but I can't remember my password...there...changed it.  Hope I can remember it tomorrow!
3.  Oh look, everyone who works at Grey (Gray?) House is dressed in...you guessed it...GRAY.  Fucking fantastic.  I get it.  Grey.Gray. I don't know if I can make it through this movie.
4.  OOps...Anastasia fell into his office.  I get it.  She didn't do anything really embarrassing, though.  She should have farted really loud when she fell...or started crying...then a snot bubble...not that anything like that has ever happened to me.
5.Oh I exercise Control in all things Miss Steele...uh...okay...
6.  Is Christian Grey supposed to be Donald Trump?
7.  If a guy tells you he "enjoys various physical pursuits" when you ask what he does for fun he definitely hunts people for sport.
8.Oh, now he walked around the desk and asked her if she has an actual question!
9.  Are you GAY?  ARE YOU KIDDING?
10.  Oh, hot blonde assistant just interrupted...now he has made it known that he wants more Steele and wants to know about her literary preferences?  Whew!  HAWT!
11.  Now he offered her an internship!  But she says she's not hot enough...and asked her if she got everything she needed...
12.  LOL she walks outside in the rain and instantly gets DRENCHED and is breathless...not a lot of mystery as to what is going on there.
13.  She describes him as "clean" to her room mate.  Weird.  Roommate knows Anastasia wants to bone Christian.
14.  27 years old!  WTF!  No way.
15.  Ooh, she's rubbing the Grey pencil on her lips!!!!
16.  WTF the guy who plays not-Jacob (art show guy-Jose) has a receeding hairline and looks at least 15 years older than her.
17.  She works in a hardware store...and Christian Grey appears.  oh, of course he wants cable ties, rope and tape.  probably a shovel and tarp.  Girls love shady billionaires and love making jokes about being a serial killer.
18.  This is a creepy interaction.  She recommends coveralls to protect his clothes...and he suggests not wearing clothes.  If someone said that to me at work I would barf all over them.
19.  Oh, it's a photo shoot and the gangs all here!  He keeps staring at her!   Wants to take her for coffee!  Definitely doesn't want to skin her and wear her skin like a suit!
20.  Why am I watching this?  It's horrible.
21.  I fucking hate this guy "I'm used to getting my own way."  Fuck you, asshat.
22.  Oh, Anastasia considers herself a romantic.  I guess that means that romantics like creepy assholes who want to wear their skin.
23.  "I'm not the man for you"  Oh, yeah, you're right.  You're a creep.  KBye.
24.  WOWWWWEEEEE First edition books from you're creepy coffee date who you just helped pick out MURDER TOOLS!  WTF is wrong with you, Anastasia?
25.  Waiting in line for the ladies room is the worst.  How old is her crappy ass phone?  He has an IPhone and she has a StarTac?  She's drunk dialing him...he's asking weird about her drinking.  But he's drinking wine...DUDE YOU WENT OUT FOR COFFEE.  She is not your girlfriend.  He traced her call?  This should really be a horror movie!  This is terrifying!
26.  Lol.  Jose tried to kiss her.  She said no.  She should have said "No way, Jose."  I would have.
27.  Oh, look!  She spent the night in his apartment and didn't wake up tied to a post with knives shoved in her body.
28.  "Necrophilia's not my thing" when she asks if he raped her unconscious body.
29.  "If you were mine you  wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" then he bites her toast.  You never bite my toast and certainly never threaten butt pain but definitely don't take my food.
30.  "My tastes are very singular"  "Enlighten me, then" reminds me of a conversation I had about cheesecake once.
31.  "I'm not going to touch you-not until I have your written consent" Um....what?
32.  "Fuck the paperwork" I hear you, Christian, I hate paperwork, too.
33.  "Laters, baby?"  What is that?  She is an ENGLISH major!  How could she let that go?
34.  Meanwhile, back at the hardware store... she gets picked up by the way hunkier chauffeur who hasn't threatened to bite her or make her butt hurt or eaten her toast.
35.  Now we're in a helicopter.  Oh yeah, move that joystick, Christian...
36.  Now we're in his penthouse apartment. ...Aaaaand he's making her sign a non-disclosure agreement...totally normal for a first date.
37.  He doesn't make love.  You know what he does.  He fucks.
38.  His playroom.
39.  He has a really nice couch in there, though.
40.  Every good romance really starts with stringent contract negotiations.
41.  Oh fuck...she's still a virgin.  Did he really just ask her if she's done "other things?"
42.  uh...so now they're having sex because he wants her first experience to not be with whips?  I'm still creeped out by this whole thing.  He's playing the piano now!  Now they're going to hump again.
43.  Now it's morning and she's wearing his shirt, a messy bun and making pancakes.  k.
44.Oh jesus.  Mom's name is Grace Grey?  This is infuriating.
45.  ANASTASIA YOUR ROOM HAS A MURAL WITH  A BIRD IN A CAGE!  GET A CLUE!
46.  "Be my submissive I will be devoted to you." Oh, okay.  Totally a normal convo.
47.  He pulls off onto a deserted road "Let's go for a walk" um...NO.
48.    NO MORE WITH THE LATERS BABY!
49.  The roommate can smell the sex on her.  Girls can do that.
50.  They're DM-ing.  Do you think they're Facebook friends?
51.  Are we really going to read a contract now?  Here's the rundown:
        We fuck when and where I want.
         You eat and exercise when I think it's okay.
          I will tell you who you can hang around and what you do with them
          I will choose your safeword because you are an idiot who can't think of anything.
52.  Don't mess around with Christian Grey and threaten to break up with him because he'll do somethig super romantic like break into your apartment, tie you up and have sex with you.  Then he'll drink white wine while you lay aroud cold, naked and blindfolded.  And put ice in your belly button because that's a thing, I guess.
53.  Contract negotiations get plucky, quirky music.  So, Anastasia is ok with lots of things but fisting ain't one!  No genital clamps, either.  Oh and now he's going to take her on a date once a week!  Add it into appendix five!
54.  "Why do I think you're telling me goodbye"  "Because I'm leaving"  oh....the dialog is so painful.  PAINFUL!!!!!
55.  This movie makes me feel like I want to bash my brains in with a hammer.  WHY CAN'T I STOP????
56.  I don't like this punishing thing.  oh, not that he's spanked her for rolling her eyes he's just going to leave and go back to work?
57.  Mom calls and they have a not-talk (that's when you pretend nothing's wrong and you are not being kept by a crazy weirdo while your mom chugs wine)
58.I want to take you to my playroom.  Creepy sentence coming from a clearly at least 35 year old but pretending to be 27 year old man.
59.  OH HE IS AN UDERWEAR SNIFFER!!!!!  Are there any female underwear sniffers out there?  Who would want to sniff dude drawers?  I honestly can't think of one guy that makes me want to sniff his undies.
60.  Now they're at dinner at his parents house and he's furious that she's friends with good old "No Way, Jose" and is going to visit her mother.  He is bad news.  This is like a really racy afterschool special about abusive relationships.
61.  "Let me touch you!" she says.  Ugggghhhhhhhh......
62.  Oh, now it all makes sense...he's an asshole because he had a rough start in life.  Mommy was a crack addict and a prostitute.  Throw in webbed feet and he's doctor evil!
63.  Thank God there's only 28 minutes left in this movie...but who's counting?
64.  Mom and stepdad look surprisingly young.  Now Anastasia's listening to her mom get porked in the other room.  Wholesome family fun for everyone.
65.  Anastasia's getting drunk with her mom at a bar and Christian shows up.
66.  Now it's the next day and they're getting in a weird plane...glider, I guess...He just introduced Anastasia as his girlfriend.
67.  Surprise!  Now he's being an asshole again!  Nobody is surprised at all.
68.  For someone who's not supposed to drink she sure drinks a lot.
69.  She's home.  he's yelling into the phone like a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON.  Now get to the playroom.....STAT!
70.  Oh God is it over yet?  No?  Still 20 minutes?  I should have picked out a safe word before I starting this shit show.
71.  Maybe the 20 minutes remaining includes the credits.
72.  What does Escala mean?  That is the title of his building.  Scale?  Does he have psoriasis?
73.  Why does he play the piano after sex/beating sessions?  Why does she want to talk to him?
74.  You know what this movie needs?   The doorbell needs to ring and the singing telegram girl from Clue needs to be singing her little ditty.  That would break up the monotony of this sad, sad situation.
75.  Now we're back in the playroom and he's really just being a dick about this whole bondage thing.  76.  Now she's mad.  Her butt hurts.  She's crying.  It's a dark and stormy night....
77.  Now he's apologizing.  Blah blah blah I'm so damaged, We love each other, we're so wrong for each other.
78.  I guess they're breaking up because she doesn't like being beaten within an inch of her life.
79.  She totally has Stockholm syndrome and is completely obsessed with this horrible guy.  No one can move on but she's definitely doing a better job.  He's a wreck.
80.  It's over!  IT'S OVER!!!!  I MADE IT!

Here's the takeaway points:  50 Shades of Grey is a study of what you would let a hot billionaire do to you.  Basically, how much spanking would you let happen if you could ride First Class and get a free car?
       

What About Me?

What is the biggest challenge for moms in the whole world? It is trying to figure out who you are, apart from your children. That is a crazy idea, but, even if you have a baby, it's something that we all have to think about. You know why? Some day, if we do our job the right way and circumstances allow it, they will be on their way, and we will be "us" again. Yes, we'll always be their moms, but we will once again be on our own, with free time, (hopefully) some extra money, and we will be of legal age to do almost anything!

                                                                  Yup, even that.

So, let's start making a list of the things that we want to do now, but we know that if we were caught it would look bad and you would probably be labeled as a degenerate by the Parent Teacher Council (unless,of course, you have them in on the activities with you).

So, what will we be able to do when we are able to be ourselves? We can travel to exotic, not necessarily kid friendly locations

 I hadn't noticed old people crossing the road with their hands up each other's asses before. I'll be sure to look for it now.






We can try new and exciting foods, we can listen to as much hardcore, Gangsta rap as we want with our windows down and our systems up because you know what? We won't give a ___sorry, can't say it. The kids are still in the room.

You get the general idea.

We'll be older, but not too old, and we'll be ready to reclaim some of the youth we were so eager to put on the back burner in order to raise our children responsibly. This doesn't mean, though, that we have to get stale, boring, bland and overly mature. We can still laugh at potty humor. We can still get a little wild with our friends, we can still be us because, in the end, that is what our kids are going to remember. They are going to remember our little idiosyncrasies and the things that made us special to them. They're also going to remember all of the things that you did to permanently scar your children (mine are going to remember because I am keeping a running log for them-so that they can just hand that sucker over to their therapist some day). Just be you. Don't worry about being a super parent. be the best parent you can be. Because, when they are grown and on their own some day, you are going to be left with yourself. Isn't it easier to act a little foolish if you've always been kind of a goof ball? I think there's less to explain that way. They'll just say "Oh, that's mom, she's a little crazy," instead of "Goodness, Muffy, Mother seems to have stepped off the deep end, perhaps we should have an intervention. She is eating her ice cream before her dinner!"

This picture has nothing to do with anything, but it makes me giggle. And that, my friends, is why I am a good, authentic parent.

Losing It! Part 2

I have been neglecting my Blog lately as I have found a new obsession-exercise!  I have been using the P90 system for the past 70 days and have also been tracking and limiting my calories...and guess what?  It's working!  Now, after 7 years of being over weight, listless, sorry for myself and generally embarrassed by my body I am finally losing weight and more importantly, liking how I look.
So far, I have lost 22 pounds.  Yes! 22!  I am able to wear some size 10 pants which I have not been able to do since 2002, and I now only have one chin!
I am now able to control my eating and am able to stop snacking.  Actually, until I made a commitment to myself to stop eating while watching TV, I hadn't realized how much I'd been eating and how much junk I was eating.  It was horrifying.
The biggest accomplishment now, though, is that I like exercise.  Actually, I love exercise.  I have never liked exercising before.  I have never been "that girl" who got excited by the purchase of free weights (which I am) or by the prospect of working toward doing chin ups (another goal).  In fact, much to my surprise, I now watch infomercials for exercise systems and think "ooh, I want to give that a try after I'm done with P90X!"  Yes, all of these changes so far, and I'm not done yet.

Losing It!

I am trying to lose weight.  For the past 7 years, I have claimed that my slowly enlarging derriere was the product of my stressful job, disorganized lifestyle, pregnancy, thyroid problems, hormone problems, stress, alien abductions-you name it and it was an excuse for me.  Now I have joined a diet plan and have actually lost 10 lbs. through diet and exercise...imagine that!

Now, I know that all of the reasons I listed above do have an effect on body weight and health, but I am a master excuse maker.  I am the queen of procrastinators and can talk myself into and out of every action that I ever should take!  I don't know how I got this way, but I do have a hunch-I am lazy.  LAZY! -at least in this part of my life.

I have made a few pledges to myself.  One is to follow through this time and to treat my body with respect. My stomach is not a dumpster-and I should not be shoveling garbage into it all day, every day.    The next is to actually do the work to shed the pounds.  Unfortunately, at least in my case, this means actually exercising and taking in less than I expend.  There go the long nights of snacking on my favorite, beloved snacks such as Hershey's Kisses, Reeses Peanut butter cups and Goldfish crackers.  Oh well, GET OVER IT!

This is a new beginning for me.  I am taking charge of my health, my weight and my excuses.  I will not let them decide for me any more.

Mom Jeans

Mom Jeans!  I can barely think the words without serious pain coursing through my body.  Yet, here I sit, realizing that I now know the reason that Mom Jeans are so prevalent.

1.  After you have children, your body is forever changed.  That is the truth.  Especially if you have had a c-section and didn't have the luxury of getting a tummy tuck at the same time!  When you have a c-section, the doctor basically cuts through any remaining abdominal muscles you may have, rummages around inside your uterus and pulls out a baby.  Now you have your miracle but you also have a numb stomach for the rest of your life!  A little extra, by the way, is that if you are not super skinny you end up with a neat little flap of skin that never really fits right with any clothing.    If you don't have a c-section and you lose the baby weight you end up with loose, crepe-y skin over your stomach.  After I had my girls I lived in my post-op girdle because I felt like I had a waist line again!
2.  Jeans make you choose: show your crack or be comfortable.   I suppose that this could go with the section above but what the heck.  It looks better to have points of interest.  I have one pair of jeans that fit well (they are a boot cut, low rise jean that are so comfortable) but they are too big in the waist/hips so whenever I am on the floor i.e. most of the day between playing and cleaning up, my pants are down well below the  crack.  I have a few tricks such as long sweaters, long shirts, scooting back against the wall, etc. but eventually I end the fight.  I can't spend all day covering my "line" as Olivia says (as in, "Mommy, I see your line!")  Mom jeans would end this problem by covering that area and sitting snugly around my waist.  My other jeans are a slightly higher rise and fit better in the waist/hips but are really snug around the thighs.  That is not a comfortable situation but I tend to wear those if we're going for a play date or someone's coming over here so that not all of my assets are exposed.
3. Boobs + Low Rise Jeans +Belly Flab =  constant shirt adjustment.  Need I say more?  I think all the ladies with D cups or above understand what I'm talking about.  It's a bad scene.   Add a v-neck shirt to the equation and you are constantly pulling the bottom of your shirt down and the top up.  

So, will I switch to mom jeans?  Not on your life.  Until I find a pair of jeans that will stay put and still look good I will just continue to struggle with the issue of plumber's crack.  Hey, here's an idea.  It is said that if you name a problem you take power over it.  What say you we rename Plumber's Crack to "Mom's Crevasse," or something similar?   Name it and claim it!