A Note From Your Resident Fatty

Hi, I'm fat.  I am, and that's okay.  Now here's what you shouldn't do when you read that:



via GIPHY

I mean, thanks Padalecki, I am but don't do that.  That doesn't help anyone feel better but you, for real.
Here is the truth.  I'm a person, I'm fat right now.  Sometimes in my life I've been skinny.  Sometimes in my life I've been in the middle.  Right now I'm fat.
When I was skinny I wasn't a better person.  In fact, I might have been a sad person because I could only think about what I would eat on my cheat day.  Sometimes I felt great, when I acheived goals that I had never been able to do  before (like running my first 5K, for instance, but I wasn't skinny then-I was in-between) and when I learned how much I liked lifting weights.  Those were all important things to me.
Sometimes I'm more active than others.  Sometimes I work out more than other times.  Sometimes I lose weight, sometimes I gain weight, sometimes I love my body and sometimes I hate my body.  I have hated my body when i was skinny and I have hated my body when I was fat.  I have loved my body when I was skinny and when I was fat.  I've had eating disorders (like convincing myself that my food was growing mold on it and I couldn't eat any more when I was in high school- I didn't realize how messed up that was until years later when I read about a character with a severe eating disorder doing the same thing)  I've done extreme exercise programs and eat completely clean.  I've done extreme diets (the Whole 30 anyone?)  I've binged on chips (yum) and pizza (yum) and beer (yum) and wine (yum).  I've done it all.
So:  What are you thinking right now?   Do you feel sorry for me that I can't get it together?  Well, don't worry about it.  I don't feel bad for me at all.  I feel great.  Here's what I've realized:  Even if I lose weight I will always be a fat person.  I love bad food.  I love being sedentary.  I also love working out -right now I'm working out more than I have in a while, but not because I hate myself.  Now it's because I love this body and love seeing what I can do.  I also have more time, older kids, I work outside the home, and I really want to spend an hour a day doing something for myself.  However, this doesn't mean that I don't sometimes feel bad (don't we all?) or mad that I can't do something (don't we all?)
This also means that I have been thinking about how to describe my body to my daughters.  They are 7 and 11 and are starting to get body aware.  Should I say I'm fat?  Should I say I want to work out in front of them?  How do I keep them from getting into that "Fat is bad" mindset?  I want them to be healthy, but I don't want them to hate what their body does.  So, here's what I've stopped doing.  I tell them when I have frustrations with my body.  If I can't do something or I don't fit in something or really any situation.  I just don't assign a judgement to it.  Saying I'm fat isn't a judgement on me, as long as I don't mean it in a derogatory way.  It's no different than saying I have blue eyes or big boobs (which, honestly, the boobs are more of a problem than a fat butt most of the time).  I explain that we all have challenges, and that's it.
Here's what you shouldn't do for your fat friend/family member/co-worker:

1. Tell them that they're fat (you probably wouldn't use that word, but you know how you'd say it).  I guarantee you they already know.  It's impossible for them to not know that they're fat because they watch TV, look at magazines, and just generally are self aware.  
2. Think that you need to "save" them.  Fat people are not rescue animals.  Do you have something that you don't like about yourself (or something that you're just sick of hearing about from well-meaning people?)  Well, imagine if your family or friends constantly were trying to fix you.  If they say they want to do something or want your help, offer it.  See point #1.  They know they're fat. 
3. Tell them they should stay away from certain clothes because of their body type.  Honestly, do I need to say it again?  See #1.  Your loved one or family member is really trying their best to find flattering clothes, just like you do.  I guarantee whatever criticism you have for them they have already thought at some point in their life.
4. Don't be offended for them if they point out in a matter of fact way that they are fat and it's okay.  It really is.  Health and fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.
 

Here's what you should do: love them.  Love yourself.   Eat a salad, eat a damn piece of pizza, lift weights, (by the way-because of my big booty I am a BEAST when it comes to leg presses).  Celebrate your friend or loved one because they are a great person.  You don't love them in spite of their butt size, you love them because they add value to your life. Most of all, don't be afraid to say the word "fat."  Fat is not a bad word.  Let's not have another generation of girls be afraid of that word or their body shape or big muscles or doing math.  Let's just be. 

Running To Me

I spend a lot of time thinking about who I am.  I suppose I have to, since I'm the only one who really cares.  My husband cares about me-but not my existential questions.  He cares if I'm happy and healthy and if our marriage is working. That's really all you can ask of another person. My kids care if I show them that I love them, make their food, get them to activities, and don't yell too much.  To them, I'm simply "mom" a construct that didn't really exist before them and they're not totally wrong.
When I became a mother, I became a different person.  It didn't happen at once and it has been a really confusing road, but somewhere along the way I became Kristen 2.0...or maybe 5.0 or more.  Who knows how many different incarnations I've really had and not noticed the changes over time, but this incarnation is a big, big change.

There are many parts of this "new" Kristen that I like, and probably the best part is that I finally really love and accept my body.  I love my big butt and curvy figure.  I really like my hair.  I even like my crooked, hooked witch nose.  I love my belly and thighs and my strong arms and legs. 
This is a big deal because I have always hated and shamed myself about my body.  I was skinny in high school because I didn't eat anything but rice, salads, and drink diet soda.  I was miserable in my own skin.  I was constantly belittling myself, comparing myself to others, and so disappointed that I could never get my skin that perfect shade of tan, that I had a different body shape than in the magazines, that  my boobs never looked right-you name it, I shamed it. 
That continued into college where I suddenly started gaining weight for no conceivable reason
(it turns out that I had a pretty serious thyroid issue) and after babies when I was constantly frustrated with my body-so much so that I started devoting hours per day to working out, planning my food intake, and became obsessed and disgusted with myself because after all of that work, I still wasn't where I needed to be.  Then I gained the weight back.
Now I was totally disgusted with myself
, angry that I had let myself down, etc.  Angry that I had lost control.  Ashamed that I was the fat mom, the fat friend, the fat wife.

Last summer, I had an epiphany.  This is my body.  This is the one that I was given and the only way that I can really be who I want to be is to accept me.  That means accepting the big butt, the curvy figure, my crooked nose, my soft belly, strong legs and arms, and work with them.  I found that the parts of me that I didn't like were not problems-in fact, once I started choosing clothes to really fit my body, my perception of what I looked like completely changed.  Suddenly I could look good, feel good, wear comfortable clothes (jeans that fit a butt in them!!!!  Thank you Lane Bryant!)

Finally, I decided to exercise because I enjoy the feeling of challenging my body, not because I am disgusted by it.  Read that again.  I decided to exercise because I enjoy the feeling of challenging my body, not because I am disgusted by it.  It's true!  There is a whole different kind of exuberance that you feel when you are taking an action to get a positive result.  I went running yesterday and it was fun!  I took a selfie and I was sweaty, puffy, tired but so happy.  As I was running I thought "Wow, my legs are really strong and so are my lungs."  You know what I didn't think?  I didn't think about how disgusting my body was or how I looked or how I needed to be better and fix this now or I was a failure. 

I am so happy to have become this new version of myself, this powerful, strong, me.  I am working on getting stronger because I love this body, not because I hate what I am.  I am a mom, I am strong, I am running toward my best self, not away from someone that I am ashamed of. 

Losing It! Part 2

I have been neglecting my Blog lately as I have found a new obsession-exercise!  I have been using the P90 system for the past 70 days and have also been tracking and limiting my calories...and guess what?  It's working!  Now, after 7 years of being over weight, listless, sorry for myself and generally embarrassed by my body I am finally losing weight and more importantly, liking how I look.
So far, I have lost 22 pounds.  Yes! 22!  I am able to wear some size 10 pants which I have not been able to do since 2002, and I now only have one chin!
I am now able to control my eating and am able to stop snacking.  Actually, until I made a commitment to myself to stop eating while watching TV, I hadn't realized how much I'd been eating and how much junk I was eating.  It was horrifying.
The biggest accomplishment now, though, is that I like exercise.  Actually, I love exercise.  I have never liked exercising before.  I have never been "that girl" who got excited by the purchase of free weights (which I am) or by the prospect of working toward doing chin ups (another goal).  In fact, much to my surprise, I now watch infomercials for exercise systems and think "ooh, I want to give that a try after I'm done with P90X!"  Yes, all of these changes so far, and I'm not done yet.

Losing It!

I am trying to lose weight.  For the past 7 years, I have claimed that my slowly enlarging derriere was the product of my stressful job, disorganized lifestyle, pregnancy, thyroid problems, hormone problems, stress, alien abductions-you name it and it was an excuse for me.  Now I have joined a diet plan and have actually lost 10 lbs. through diet and exercise...imagine that!

Now, I know that all of the reasons I listed above do have an effect on body weight and health, but I am a master excuse maker.  I am the queen of procrastinators and can talk myself into and out of every action that I ever should take!  I don't know how I got this way, but I do have a hunch-I am lazy.  LAZY! -at least in this part of my life.

I have made a few pledges to myself.  One is to follow through this time and to treat my body with respect. My stomach is not a dumpster-and I should not be shoveling garbage into it all day, every day.    The next is to actually do the work to shed the pounds.  Unfortunately, at least in my case, this means actually exercising and taking in less than I expend.  There go the long nights of snacking on my favorite, beloved snacks such as Hershey's Kisses, Reeses Peanut butter cups and Goldfish crackers.  Oh well, GET OVER IT!

This is a new beginning for me.  I am taking charge of my health, my weight and my excuses.  I will not let them decide for me any more.