A Note From Your Resident Fatty

Hi, I'm fat.  I am, and that's okay.  Now here's what you shouldn't do when you read that:



via GIPHY

I mean, thanks Padalecki, I am but don't do that.  That doesn't help anyone feel better but you, for real.
Here is the truth.  I'm a person, I'm fat right now.  Sometimes in my life I've been skinny.  Sometimes in my life I've been in the middle.  Right now I'm fat.
When I was skinny I wasn't a better person.  In fact, I might have been a sad person because I could only think about what I would eat on my cheat day.  Sometimes I felt great, when I acheived goals that I had never been able to do  before (like running my first 5K, for instance, but I wasn't skinny then-I was in-between) and when I learned how much I liked lifting weights.  Those were all important things to me.
Sometimes I'm more active than others.  Sometimes I work out more than other times.  Sometimes I lose weight, sometimes I gain weight, sometimes I love my body and sometimes I hate my body.  I have hated my body when i was skinny and I have hated my body when I was fat.  I have loved my body when I was skinny and when I was fat.  I've had eating disorders (like convincing myself that my food was growing mold on it and I couldn't eat any more when I was in high school- I didn't realize how messed up that was until years later when I read about a character with a severe eating disorder doing the same thing)  I've done extreme exercise programs and eat completely clean.  I've done extreme diets (the Whole 30 anyone?)  I've binged on chips (yum) and pizza (yum) and beer (yum) and wine (yum).  I've done it all.
So:  What are you thinking right now?   Do you feel sorry for me that I can't get it together?  Well, don't worry about it.  I don't feel bad for me at all.  I feel great.  Here's what I've realized:  Even if I lose weight I will always be a fat person.  I love bad food.  I love being sedentary.  I also love working out -right now I'm working out more than I have in a while, but not because I hate myself.  Now it's because I love this body and love seeing what I can do.  I also have more time, older kids, I work outside the home, and I really want to spend an hour a day doing something for myself.  However, this doesn't mean that I don't sometimes feel bad (don't we all?) or mad that I can't do something (don't we all?)
This also means that I have been thinking about how to describe my body to my daughters.  They are 7 and 11 and are starting to get body aware.  Should I say I'm fat?  Should I say I want to work out in front of them?  How do I keep them from getting into that "Fat is bad" mindset?  I want them to be healthy, but I don't want them to hate what their body does.  So, here's what I've stopped doing.  I tell them when I have frustrations with my body.  If I can't do something or I don't fit in something or really any situation.  I just don't assign a judgement to it.  Saying I'm fat isn't a judgement on me, as long as I don't mean it in a derogatory way.  It's no different than saying I have blue eyes or big boobs (which, honestly, the boobs are more of a problem than a fat butt most of the time).  I explain that we all have challenges, and that's it.
Here's what you shouldn't do for your fat friend/family member/co-worker:

1. Tell them that they're fat (you probably wouldn't use that word, but you know how you'd say it).  I guarantee you they already know.  It's impossible for them to not know that they're fat because they watch TV, look at magazines, and just generally are self aware.  
2. Think that you need to "save" them.  Fat people are not rescue animals.  Do you have something that you don't like about yourself (or something that you're just sick of hearing about from well-meaning people?)  Well, imagine if your family or friends constantly were trying to fix you.  If they say they want to do something or want your help, offer it.  See point #1.  They know they're fat. 
3. Tell them they should stay away from certain clothes because of their body type.  Honestly, do I need to say it again?  See #1.  Your loved one or family member is really trying their best to find flattering clothes, just like you do.  I guarantee whatever criticism you have for them they have already thought at some point in their life.
4. Don't be offended for them if they point out in a matter of fact way that they are fat and it's okay.  It really is.  Health and fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.
 

Here's what you should do: love them.  Love yourself.   Eat a salad, eat a damn piece of pizza, lift weights, (by the way-because of my big booty I am a BEAST when it comes to leg presses).  Celebrate your friend or loved one because they are a great person.  You don't love them in spite of their butt size, you love them because they add value to your life. Most of all, don't be afraid to say the word "fat."  Fat is not a bad word.  Let's not have another generation of girls be afraid of that word or their body shape or big muscles or doing math.  Let's just be. 

Working Out...again

I knew that starting to run again at 35 would be hard on my body, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  Running now, while it feels great in the moment, has introduced me to a level of discomfort I didn't know existed.  I know it's not because of how out of shape I am-because I am not that much more out of shape than the last time I really got serious about my physical fitness.  The main difference is that now I'm 35-when before, I was 29.

Look at how YOUNG and energetic I am!!!!!

When I was 29 and started working out again, I had two young kids but could find an hour to work out during their nap times 5 days a week.  5 DAYS A WEEK!!!  I would do push ups, ab work, cardio, weight lifting, and my body LOVED it.  Sure, I was sore, but it went away quickly.
Last week I started a Couch to 5K workout.  It is 3 days per week for 30 minutes.  That's it.  I'm now on week two.  Today I thought I might have to amputate my legs after doing the workout for 31 minutes.  

This is honestly what I looked like when I got off the couch a few hours after my run.

This is something I have never experienced before.  I know that the workout is not the problem.  It feels great to move my body and see my times improving.  I like feeling my muscles move and seeing them change after just  a week.  I like knowing that my body can do what I need it to do.
Before, when I was 29, my body just cooperated with me.  My body said "sure, we can do this!"  I said "Do More!" and my body said "YES!!!  MORE!!!"   Now, at 35, I say "can we please, please, please go for a little run today?  My body sighs and says "Fuck off, not now, I want to take a nap"  and I'll say "well, we really need to" and my body says "okay...but you know what that means for you later..."

Now I know.  Right after my run I felt great.  Loose, long, lanky muscles, tired, sweaty, satisfied.  A few hours later I felt like the crypt keeper.  I felt like my legs, feet, ankles and brain were screaming at me with every step.  "WHY!!!!!  Why????  This is week 2!  It should start to feel better now...not like torture!!"  But I know, this is all part of getting older.  I'm fortunate that I can get in shape, train for a 5K, challenge myself but I know that this is going to hurt like Hell.  That's okay-I'm tough.

Losing It! Part 2

I have been neglecting my Blog lately as I have found a new obsession-exercise!  I have been using the P90 system for the past 70 days and have also been tracking and limiting my calories...and guess what?  It's working!  Now, after 7 years of being over weight, listless, sorry for myself and generally embarrassed by my body I am finally losing weight and more importantly, liking how I look.
So far, I have lost 22 pounds.  Yes! 22!  I am able to wear some size 10 pants which I have not been able to do since 2002, and I now only have one chin!
I am now able to control my eating and am able to stop snacking.  Actually, until I made a commitment to myself to stop eating while watching TV, I hadn't realized how much I'd been eating and how much junk I was eating.  It was horrifying.
The biggest accomplishment now, though, is that I like exercise.  Actually, I love exercise.  I have never liked exercising before.  I have never been "that girl" who got excited by the purchase of free weights (which I am) or by the prospect of working toward doing chin ups (another goal).  In fact, much to my surprise, I now watch infomercials for exercise systems and think "ooh, I want to give that a try after I'm done with P90X!"  Yes, all of these changes so far, and I'm not done yet.