Sometimes, it Just sucks.

So, there I was, reading this article about the "sweet spot", getting all misty and realizing that if I am not in the parenting sweet spot, I'm pretty darn close.  I can take the minions to the beach and relax, I can let them play outside unattended, I am starting to feel like a person again!
Then it happened. 
We went to Wal-Mart-Mart.  Now, I'm not saying that this store is a horrible hellscape where souls are taken in exchange for cheap consumer goods, but we had a rough trip.  Child #2 whining and crying (for the second day in a row) about how mean I am because I won't buy Goldfish crackers.  And I can't buy Goldfish crackers, even if I wanted to, because of how she's acting.  You know what I mean.
We buy a bag of Kisses, soft taco ingredients because there should be leftover taco meat at home, and a few other things.
We get home.  FINALLY!!!  Look in the fridge- my heart sinks-no leftover taco meat.  Drop non-perishables, send oldest to crate the uber destructive dogs while we're gone, run to the store to get the meat.  Go back home.
Start bringing in the groceries.  The oldest comes to me with a look of concern.  "The dogs are the soft tacos," she says, "and the chocolate-all of it." 
"GET THEM IN THEIR CRATE!  We have to get back to the store."
The kids are back in the car. 
I bellow "Jesus Fucking Christ" at the empty wrappers strewn around the kitchen.
I get in the car.  A stream of Fuck-based profanities escapes my body like none I've ever shared in front of my kids.  I apologize, laugh, say "well, now you know how to use that word."  look in the rear view mirror, they're trapped between laughing and terror of this "new" mom.
We return from the store, I'm cooking the long awaited taco meat.  I hear screaming and crying from the yard.  The youngest child has decided to pee in the yard and has pissed all over herself.  Now she's squatting,  crying and screaming.  I get her inside-into a bath- then to dinner.  No one is happy.  Everyone is embarrassed.  We just have to make it to dinner.  GODDAMN IT!!!!

Sometimes you just try to make it to soft tacos.  Sometimes it sucks.  Then you try to remember you've handled much tougher stuff.  You're in the sweet spot.

Some Rules for My Girls

Girls...oh man.  I never thought I would have girls.  Let alone two of them.  I was the girl who always stayed close to guys because they are so much simpler to deal with.  I was the girl who had a few girl friends but never wanted to be involved in the fight to be popular or cool or anything.  I just wanted to be me-quirky, happy, musical theater me. 

Now I have two girls that I somehow have to help become functional adult women at some point.  How do you do that when you never really were "one of the girls?"  How do I help them become the kind of girls who like themselves, are kind to others and more, when those were not traits that I associated with girls when I was in school?  I've come up with a few guidelines:

1.  No Bullshit.  This is a general rule that I have and use it in my brain (but not out loud).  When I know that there is a sizeable amount of BS spewing from my daughters I have to call them on it.  I really despise how so many girls/women use baby voices, play dumb, or play up drama to get what they want.  If you are not a 10 year old, don't act like one to get what you want.

2.  No Drama.  Do not be that girl.  Do not be that girl who gets mad, pouts, stomps away but waits for everyone to come chasing after her.  They may chase after you right now, while you're little-but that shit gets old fast.  No one wants to hang out with the foot-stomping, pouting, whiny girl who takes off at the first instance of things not going her way.  If something is wrong, refer to #1.  Address things with people.  Be straightforward and honest and don't play games.

3.  Never be afraid to be yourself.  Do you like trucks? Computer Coding?  Ballet?  Frogs?  Cheerleading?  Basketball?  Be you.  Whatever that is.  Stop trying to figure out what everyone likes and be yourself.  You are great!  If you know who you are and what your core values are it's easier to stay true to them.

4.  Don't go for the exciting/dangerous guy or group of friends.  Trust me.  There is nothing but an ocean of shit waiting for you there.  Don't go for people you "can fix."  You can't.  No.  You can't fix them.  I know you think you can but you can't.  Be around people who challenge you to be a better you, support you, and treat you the way you treat them.  Plus, they should make you laugh.   

5.  Forgive yourself and move on.  You will make mistakes, and life will get messy from time to time.  Forgive yourself learn your lessons, and move on.  Forgive other people, too.  It feels great.

6.  Believe in yourself but don't take yourself too seriously.  Your problems will never be more important than anyone else's, and you need to be able to figure out how to get out of tight situations without losing your mind.   You need to be able to see the humor in situations, and you also need to be able to have perspective.  If something's not working out the way you want it to-big deal. Figure out a way to make it work for you or just deal with it until things come around.  The beauty of life is that nothing is permanent and you can always find another way-but not if you're convinced that your original plan is the only way to go.

A Haunting Tale. 5 Reasons Why I'm A Ghost Haunting My Children

I have come to the realization that I am a ghost haunting my children.   There is an overwhelming amount of evidence to support this claim, and that is what I intend to do.  I think that you will find that you are also a ghost.

1.  My children often speak to me in general but cannot hear my replies, or,when I speak to them, they can't hear me at all.  I used to think that they were just ignoring me but now I think there is a semi-penetrable veil of time and space between us and they occasionally get glimpses of me or hear my voice  from a far.

2.  I often have to resort to making electronic devices disappear or not work at all, and, in extreme occasions, stomp around or slam doors, to get my point across or to get them to pay attention.  I realize that this is kind of a hack-y ghost trick-used in all of the movies, but sometimes it's all I've got!

3.  I occasionally turn up in pictures or video when not expected.  I'll be getting dressed or doing dishes or some other task and-boom- there I am!  I'm always a little shocked when I'm captured on film, so I must be some sort of mythical creature.

4.  Apparently I am a magical "finding" ghost since I'm the only being in the house who can find "ANYTHING."  When I am summoned with the words "Mommy, I can't find ________" I appear where I am needed, and TA-DAAAAA!  I find the socks, or toy, or whatever.

5.  I can do things all day long, a multitude of tasks, and the only thing that they notice is that I've moved something.  Suddenly it's a catastrophe- "Where is RAINBOW DASH???" I hear.  I spring into action.  I've been summoned!

Being a ghost can be difficult and challenging but I think you'll find that haunting your family can be quite rewarding.  If you haunt them long enough and do a satisfactory job, I'm told that you can even turn into a real person some day-some time after they turn 18.

The Jem Trailer is here...and it filled me with rage.

I grew up watching Jen and the Holograms.  My sister and I would poor up our hair, paint our faces like Jem and Kimber, touch our earrings and say "Showtime, Synergy!"  We loved that Jem was the CEO of her own company, struggled with her double life, a great guy, and always defeated the Misfits.  We didn't know it at the time, but it was more than just a silly kids cartoon.  In my childhood, it was really the only time we saw a female character take charge, be smart, and kick ads!  She wasn't someone's sidekick!  She was the HBIC!  We loved Jem.  We wanted to be her not because she was good at manipulating men or was pretty, because she was talented and stood up for herself.

 

This show meant so much to me that I introduced it to my girls.  They felt the same way.

Naturally, when we found out that there was going to be a Jem movie we were thrilled.  Then we watched the trailer (below)

 

 

What, in the name of all that is Holy is that?  That's not Jem!  Why the Hell would they turn Jem's awesome story into some stupid teen drama?  Jem is supposed to be a grown woman!  Where are the Holograms?  Where is the sense of how goddamn cool Jen is?  Where the frick are the Misfits?  That's Rio? NO! 
Honestly, I don't even know how to end this post.  I just....ugh.  Feel free to write profanity filled rants in the comments.  Jem wasn't perfect, but she was pretty damn great.  Maybe some day they'll get it right.

Working Out...again

I knew that starting to run again at 35 would be hard on my body, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  Running now, while it feels great in the moment, has introduced me to a level of discomfort I didn't know existed.  I know it's not because of how out of shape I am-because I am not that much more out of shape than the last time I really got serious about my physical fitness.  The main difference is that now I'm 35-when before, I was 29.

Look at how YOUNG and energetic I am!!!!!

When I was 29 and started working out again, I had two young kids but could find an hour to work out during their nap times 5 days a week.  5 DAYS A WEEK!!!  I would do push ups, ab work, cardio, weight lifting, and my body LOVED it.  Sure, I was sore, but it went away quickly.
Last week I started a Couch to 5K workout.  It is 3 days per week for 30 minutes.  That's it.  I'm now on week two.  Today I thought I might have to amputate my legs after doing the workout for 31 minutes.  

This is honestly what I looked like when I got off the couch a few hours after my run.

This is something I have never experienced before.  I know that the workout is not the problem.  It feels great to move my body and see my times improving.  I like feeling my muscles move and seeing them change after just  a week.  I like knowing that my body can do what I need it to do.
Before, when I was 29, my body just cooperated with me.  My body said "sure, we can do this!"  I said "Do More!" and my body said "YES!!!  MORE!!!"   Now, at 35, I say "can we please, please, please go for a little run today?  My body sighs and says "Fuck off, not now, I want to take a nap"  and I'll say "well, we really need to" and my body says "okay...but you know what that means for you later..."

Now I know.  Right after my run I felt great.  Loose, long, lanky muscles, tired, sweaty, satisfied.  A few hours later I felt like the crypt keeper.  I felt like my legs, feet, ankles and brain were screaming at me with every step.  "WHY!!!!!  Why????  This is week 2!  It should start to feel better now...not like torture!!"  But I know, this is all part of getting older.  I'm fortunate that I can get in shape, train for a 5K, challenge myself but I know that this is going to hurt like Hell.  That's okay-I'm tough.

Becoming

Somewhere along the way, I have become a mother.  I don't mean on the day my first daughter was born when it seemed so weird to say "that's my daughter," or the time that I fumbled through teaching her to walk or even when I introduced her to her younger sister-because I don't think that it happened in one moment.

I think it was a million little failures, fears and maybe 100 successes.  I think that I knew that I was their mother, but I didn't understand that, at the core of my being, I AM a mother.  I think that living in the neverending, messy confusion of early motherhood and waiting for something to happen, something to change, I didn't feel the subtle and important changes happening in my core.

When my eldest daughter was born she was beautiful and disgusting-all covered in goo and blood and screaming.  I looked at her and marveled at her perfection and immediately thought "Oh shit, I have to take her home."  I was completely terrified and projectile vomited all over my hospital room after eating two purple popsicles and didn't sleep again for 3 years and still I craved her snuggles, smiles, words, and laughter.  Somewhere, I started to feel that mother-ness...

Maybe it was when my youngest was born and I felt like my heart was going to explode with joy when I saw my two beautiful girls together.  Maybe it was teaching my littlest and last baby the same things I had taught my eldest, and having her happily help her sister.  Maybe it was just a culmination of experiences, laughter, tears and exhaustion that finally makes me feel that I am more than just me.
Motherhood is transcendent.  It is really realizing that you are not who you were before.  You can never be that person again.   You can't be that person who didn't understand how your mom could have been soooooo mean to you that time.  Oh, you understand.  Mom, I totally get it.  Even more than that, you know why she came to everything for you-all of your concerts, games, so many sports things sitting on those horrible bleachers, and she was the ultimate fan of whatever you were doing at the time.  That is being a mother.

Being a mother is knowing that you can never, ever be the same person you were before your children were born, because they have helped you grow into something that is more complicated, more beautiful, better than before.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point I became not just me, but a mother, and it is terrifying and wonderful and frustrating and every other adjective you could think of.
But I wouldn't change a second of it.

Mother's Day

Let's talk, for a minute, about Mother's Day. Mother's Day is, at best, not horrible, and at worse, a total soul-crushing day of torture. (The one exception: The Mother's Day before when you're pregnant with your first child. That is a magical day). It may surprise you that I'm skeptical of Mother's Day, but I am.

This is an old Irish Mother's Day blessing, right?

  So, what's the problem with Mother's Day? Mothers with young children just want to sleep in, not be responsible for everything, and probably don't want to rush around honoring every other mother in the world. We're in the trenches. We're there-getting poo flung at us and peed on and yelled at and told that our food is gross, feeling like we can't do anything right, our house isn't clean enough, we work too hard or not enough, etc, etc, etc. Still, every year, we think that Mother's Day will be different. But it won't.

To kids it's just another day. Kids don't really care about Mother's Day because they don't understand what it's like to be a mother and they won't until they are one. Since you've become a mom, chances are that you've thanked your mom repeatedly for being a great mother-because you didn't know what it took to keep these kids fed, clothed, and keep yourself functional until you became a parent. Being a mother is amazing but terribly difficult work.

  What would be a perfect Mother's Day for me? Well, sleeping past 7, not having to shower for a while, sitting around, drinking a coffee while my kids play nicely, don't complain that they're bored or fight with each other, being able to ask once for something to be done-and having it be completed, and just, in general, being treated like a human being. Before motherhood I wouldn't have thought that was a big deal, but now, that looks like an amazing day! BEST.DAY.EVER! Now, I bet that all of the moms are nodding and smiling and there's sappy music playing in your head. Yes, that's what most of us want. Grand gestures are fantastic, but if there is nothing else it's just a day where we get a fantastic, new tennis bracelet and matching earrings. Most of us don't want to rush around and see everyone else in the world who is also a mother. Most of us just want to relax, be a little selfish, and have one day where we don't have to contort into the role that everyone else needs us to be. It's Mother's Day, right?

  So moms, call your mom and tell her you love her and that you want to thank her for being so amazing. Offer to take her out or make her lunch or dinner or whatever you want to do. It doesn't have to be on Mother's Day. If you have young kids, this day is about you. Spend it recognizing other mothers or not! The important thing is this-just lower your expectations. Mother's Day is infinitely more important to you than anyone else. That's just the way it is. They love you, they appreciate you, just try to relax and enjoy whatever the day brings. Save up all of your stories, call you BFF, and you can bond over your respective days later.

Husbands: Make or buy her a card/gift/whatever means the most to her. Tell her you love her and thank her for being your children's mother. If there's a problem intervene before everyone ends up dead.

Kids: Don't be assholes to your mom today. She is so very tired of your shit and this is one day that she will not just sweep it under the rug. That hand made pinch pot will not make up for the giant fit you threw yesterday, but a pinch pot, a hug, getting along with your sibling and not complaining about what Mom wants to do are a good start!

  Happy Mother's Day, to all of the mothers out there!