It doesn't really matter.
I've had a few glasses of wine and now have decided to watch 50 Shades of Grey...Gray...shit. I should probably know that.
Here are my thoughts.
1. Ha! Anastasia Steele just bit her lip! Is Dakota Johnson trying to make this a Twilight parody already? Is that an homage to Kristin Stewart's excellent lip biting skills?
2. What's my Google password? I want to write a blog entry...or live tweet...but I haven't written a blog entry in a long time so I'll do that but I can't remember my password...there...changed it. Hope I can remember it tomorrow!
3. Oh look, everyone who works at Grey (Gray?) House is dressed in...you guessed it...GRAY. Fucking fantastic. I get it. Grey.Gray. I don't know if I can make it through this movie.
4. OOps...Anastasia fell into his office. I get it. She didn't do anything really embarrassing, though. She should have farted really loud when she fell...or started crying...then a snot bubble...not that anything like that has ever happened to me.
5.Oh I exercise Control in all things Miss Steele...uh...okay...
6. Is Christian Grey supposed to be Donald Trump?
7. If a guy tells you he "enjoys various physical pursuits" when you ask what he does for fun he definitely hunts people for sport.
8.Oh, now he walked around the desk and asked her if she has an actual question!
9. Are you GAY? ARE YOU KIDDING?
10. Oh, hot blonde assistant just interrupted...now he has made it known that he wants more Steele and wants to know about her literary preferences? Whew! HAWT!
11. Now he offered her an internship! But she says she's not hot enough...and asked her if she got everything she needed...
12. LOL she walks outside in the rain and instantly gets DRENCHED and is breathless...not a lot of mystery as to what is going on there.
13. She describes him as "clean" to her room mate. Weird. Roommate knows Anastasia wants to bone Christian.
14. 27 years old! WTF! No way.
15. Ooh, she's rubbing the Grey pencil on her lips!!!!
16. WTF the guy who plays not-Jacob (art show guy-Jose) has a receeding hairline and looks at least 15 years older than her.
17. She works in a hardware store...and Christian Grey appears. oh, of course he wants cable ties, rope and tape. probably a shovel and tarp. Girls love shady billionaires and love making jokes about being a serial killer.
18. This is a creepy interaction. She recommends coveralls to protect his clothes...and he suggests not wearing clothes. If someone said that to me at work I would barf all over them.
19. Oh, it's a photo shoot and the gangs all here! He keeps staring at her! Wants to take her for coffee! Definitely doesn't want to skin her and wear her skin like a suit!
20. Why am I watching this? It's horrible.
21. I fucking hate this guy "I'm used to getting my own way." Fuck you, asshat.
22. Oh, Anastasia considers herself a romantic. I guess that means that romantics like creepy assholes who want to wear their skin.
23. "I'm not the man for you" Oh, yeah, you're right. You're a creep. KBye.
24. WOWWWWEEEEE First edition books from you're creepy coffee date who you just helped pick out MURDER TOOLS! WTF is wrong with you, Anastasia?
25. Waiting in line for the ladies room is the worst. How old is her crappy ass phone? He has an IPhone and she has a StarTac? She's drunk dialing him...he's asking weird about her drinking. But he's drinking wine...DUDE YOU WENT OUT FOR COFFEE. She is not your girlfriend. He traced her call? This should really be a horror movie! This is terrifying!
26. Lol. Jose tried to kiss her. She said no. She should have said "No way, Jose." I would have.
27. Oh, look! She spent the night in his apartment and didn't wake up tied to a post with knives shoved in her body.
28. "Necrophilia's not my thing" when she asks if he raped her unconscious body.
29. "If you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" then he bites her toast. You never bite my toast and certainly never threaten butt pain but definitely don't take my food.
30. "My tastes are very singular" "Enlighten me, then" reminds me of a conversation I had about cheesecake once.
31. "I'm not going to touch you-not until I have your written consent" Um....what?
32. "Fuck the paperwork" I hear you, Christian, I hate paperwork, too.
33. "Laters, baby?" What is that? She is an ENGLISH major! How could she let that go?
34. Meanwhile, back at the hardware store... she gets picked up by the way hunkier chauffeur who hasn't threatened to bite her or make her butt hurt or eaten her toast.
35. Now we're in a helicopter. Oh yeah, move that joystick, Christian...
36. Now we're in his penthouse apartment. ...Aaaaand he's making her sign a non-disclosure agreement...totally normal for a first date.
37. He doesn't make love. You know what he does. He fucks.
38. His playroom.
39. He has a really nice couch in there, though.
40. Every good romance really starts with stringent contract negotiations.
41. Oh fuck...she's still a virgin. Did he really just ask her if she's done "other things?"
42. uh...so now they're having sex because he wants her first experience to not be with whips? I'm still creeped out by this whole thing. He's playing the piano now! Now they're going to hump again.
43. Now it's morning and she's wearing his shirt, a messy bun and making pancakes. k.
44.Oh jesus. Mom's name is Grace Grey? This is infuriating.
45. ANASTASIA YOUR ROOM HAS A MURAL WITH A BIRD IN A CAGE! GET A CLUE!
46. "Be my submissive I will be devoted to you." Oh, okay. Totally a normal convo.
47. He pulls off onto a deserted road "Let's go for a walk" um...NO.
48. NO MORE WITH THE LATERS BABY!
49. The roommate can smell the sex on her. Girls can do that.
50. They're DM-ing. Do you think they're Facebook friends?
51. Are we really going to read a contract now? Here's the rundown:
We fuck when and where I want.
You eat and exercise when I think it's okay.
I will tell you who you can hang around and what you do with them
I will choose your safeword because you are an idiot who can't think of anything.
52. Don't mess around with Christian Grey and threaten to break up with him because he'll do somethig super romantic like break into your apartment, tie you up and have sex with you. Then he'll drink white wine while you lay aroud cold, naked and blindfolded. And put ice in your belly button because that's a thing, I guess.
53. Contract negotiations get plucky, quirky music. So, Anastasia is ok with lots of things but fisting ain't one! No genital clamps, either. Oh and now he's going to take her on a date once a week! Add it into appendix five!
54. "Why do I think you're telling me goodbye" "Because I'm leaving" oh....the dialog is so painful. PAINFUL!!!!!
55. This movie makes me feel like I want to bash my brains in with a hammer. WHY CAN'T I STOP????
56. I don't like this punishing thing. oh, not that he's spanked her for rolling her eyes he's just going to leave and go back to work?
57. Mom calls and they have a not-talk (that's when you pretend nothing's wrong and you are not being kept by a crazy weirdo while your mom chugs wine)
58.I want to take you to my playroom. Creepy sentence coming from a clearly at least 35 year old but pretending to be 27 year old man.
59. OH HE IS AN UDERWEAR SNIFFER!!!!! Are there any female underwear sniffers out there? Who would want to sniff dude drawers? I honestly can't think of one guy that makes me want to sniff his undies.
60. Now they're at dinner at his parents house and he's furious that she's friends with good old "No Way, Jose" and is going to visit her mother. He is bad news. This is like a really racy afterschool special about abusive relationships.
61. "Let me touch you!" she says. Ugggghhhhhhhh......
62. Oh, now it all makes sense...he's an asshole because he had a rough start in life. Mommy was a crack addict and a prostitute. Throw in webbed feet and he's doctor evil!
63. Thank God there's only 28 minutes left in this movie...but who's counting?
64. Mom and stepdad look surprisingly young. Now Anastasia's listening to her mom get porked in the other room. Wholesome family fun for everyone.
65. Anastasia's getting drunk with her mom at a bar and Christian shows up.
66. Now it's the next day and they're getting in a weird plane...glider, I guess...He just introduced Anastasia as his girlfriend.
67. Surprise! Now he's being an asshole again! Nobody is surprised at all.
68. For someone who's not supposed to drink she sure drinks a lot.
69. She's home. he's yelling into the phone like a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. Now get to the playroom.....STAT!
70. Oh God is it over yet? No? Still 20 minutes? I should have picked out a safe word before I starting this shit show.
71. Maybe the 20 minutes remaining includes the credits.
72. What does Escala mean? That is the title of his building. Scale? Does he have psoriasis?
73. Why does he play the piano after sex/beating sessions? Why does she want to talk to him?
74. You know what this movie needs? The doorbell needs to ring and the singing telegram girl from Clue needs to be singing her little ditty. That would break up the monotony of this sad, sad situation.
75. Now we're back in the playroom and he's really just being a dick about this whole bondage thing. 76. Now she's mad. Her butt hurts. She's crying. It's a dark and stormy night....
77. Now he's apologizing. Blah blah blah I'm so damaged, We love each other, we're so wrong for each other.
78. I guess they're breaking up because she doesn't like being beaten within an inch of her life.
79. She totally has Stockholm syndrome and is completely obsessed with this horrible guy. No one can move on but she's definitely doing a better job. He's a wreck.
80. It's over! IT'S OVER!!!! I MADE IT!
Here's the takeaway points: 50 Shades of Grey is a study of what you would let a hot billionaire do to you. Basically, how much spanking would you let happen if you could ride First Class and get a free car?
