Mom Vs. Mom

For the past 4 1/2 years, I have been a part of a sisterhood that spans generations and transcends borders. I am a mother. I have two daughters who simultaneously melt my heart and exasperate me. I have friends who have children and who don't , who are married and who are single. Motherhood carries many challenges and rewards and for me it was a choice. However, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I have found that the most difficult part of motherhood so far is the guilt. This guilt comes from other mothers, from myself and from my expectations and it all feels horrible!

Let's talk first about the pressure and expectations we put on ourselves. I know that I have been a full-time working mom, a stay at home mom and a mostly stay at home mom with a little bit of work on the side. All three have advantages and disadvantages. Working outside of the home in a job that you enjoy is great. I think I was more patient when I was home with my oldest daughter and was able to put behavior in context. However, I missed her terribly and I felt terribly guilty that I was not with her. I never thought that I was doing a good job at the position of mom or worker and ended up leaving and going to part-time work.

I currently work part-time outside of the home. For me, that has been the best of both worlds. Even though my position is not a terribly prestigious one, I am able to get out of the house for two days a week, be "me" and not "mommy," and eat my dinner break in relative silence. Sometimes I even have time to eat and then read part of a book. I know. It's amazing.

Staying home and not working at all has been a possibility for me on rare occasions due to income limitations, but that was more challenging because I did feel very isolated. I also felt that I was morphing into another being-not Kristen the capable professional and mom but simply Mommy. I found that I wasn't able to discuss anything but diapers, my children and how dirty my house was. That was terrifying! I made a point of talking with my friend about everything besides our children for a whole morning when we were together for a play date...and we both realized how much we had missed ourselves!

Here's the real problem, though. I think we all feel these things sometimes. I think that there are so few people, though, that we can discuss these issues with because of the fear of being judged.

I know that I did not talk about these issues with my husband for a long time because I could just hear him saying "Well, this was your choice! Aren't you happy? Why don't you like being home with the girls?" And my answer would ramble on something like "Well, I am happy but I have a hard time sometimes because this job doesn't end, I work from 7 in the morning until 11 at night and usually my bosses are yelling at me, peeing or pooping somewhere, throwing up or refusing the meals I have prepared for them. Then you come home and say something like we really need to vacuum in here, eat dinner, fall asleep on the couch and then pout because we didn't have sex." Then I would probably say, "oh, forget it," and be mad at him for not understanding for the rest of the night. I had a few occasions when my daughter asked me for juice or a cookie and I wanted to melodramatically scream while pulling out my hair "WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? WHAT ABOUT WHAT MOMMY WANTS?" I didn't want to talk to my friends who were home with their children because I thought that I would seem selfish and ungrateful for this opportunity, and the same reason applied to my working friends. Once I did speak up, though, and tried to find some solutions I found that more people were feeling the same way than I had previously thought.

So moms, let's support each other more. Let's support ourselves, too! We are not going to be functional parents, wives or people if our entire life is about our child. We need to make ourselves a priority and find a way to keep our identity while working/staying home/whatever! So what are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree? Have you figured out how to do this?